Fish

I realize that this helpful guide may be more useful to some of you than others, but I am writing it for two reasons. First, I want to provide those who may be entering college soon with some friendly advice. Second, those of us who are already in college or graduated can both use this guide to identify the persons to whom it applies and perhaps steer them in the right direction. So without further ado, this is a comprehensive guide to identifying freshman (or "first years") on college campuses everywhere.

1. They without a doubt will have their room key/student identification card with them at all times. And by all times, I mean that not only will they have it with them every second of every day, but they will have these essentials readily available all the time. This can come in a variety of looks. First, they might have a lanyard around their neck with their room key attached, as if their mommy is worried they are going to forget where it's sitting in their backpack and will get locked out of their house after getting off the school bus from a busy day in the fifth grade. Even better, they may have their student ID card connected to this lanyard so both of these essentials are instantly available. If you don't have an classes with freshman and aren't quite sure what I am talking about, please notice them remove their necklace to pay for their pizza and coke in the dining hall at your next meal. If they don't have these super cute lanyards, they likely use an awkward ID holder wallet-esque thing provided by the school. You can spot a freshman easily if they use one of these for two reasons: 1. they are super ugly and no one in their right mind would carry them around 2. they are super cheap and only a freshman's would still be in good enough shape to use.
2. They are obsessed with their laptops more than a normal person should be. This is probably because they just got it, so they are still especially excited to take silly pictures with their friends using photo booth, etc. At least in my own experiences, the majority of those who bring their laptops to class are first years, because they don't realize that yes, paying attention in class is actually a good idea. Furthermore, when they do bring their laptops to class, they will likely open it up and you will creep over their shoulder and notice that their wallpaper is a really precious picture of them kissing their boyfriend before from, yes, this picture is obviously a selfie! Only a freshman would think that prom pictures are still special and that kissing pictures are a mark of a special, strong relationship.
3. Study habits are also very indicative of freshman. However, there are two types of freshman in this circumstance, so other indicators are necessary in addition to this one (see #s 1 and 2). Freshman are likely way too involved in their school work or frighteningly uninterested. Those who are too involved will bring their textbooks to class on the same day, regularly ask their professors questions about the syllabus, the optional readings, etc. They will probably have no friends, or only be friends with their roommate because of their obligation to do so. The library will become their second home way too early into the semester. The second type of freshman definitely performed well in high school; it's likely that they never studied for a test in their life. They are convinced that passing all of their AP exams signifies that not only are they prepared for the rigor of the university academics, but perhaps even over prepared. After all, they managed to pass a three hour math class, so they must be geniuses, I mean, they brilliance should probably have already earned them a degree. These are the freshmen whom you will never see in the library, have never opened a book, etc. My guess is that 2/30 of them will do remarkably well in their first semester or two, and the rest of them will begin to rethink their cockiness and study habits come second semester.
4. Though their Facebook likely indicates their year in school, some further creeping through their pictures solidifies their grade. Chances are they have been participating in some ridiculous college shenanigans and documenting every second of them on film. By college shenanigans I am not referring to crazy frat parties, but rather, scootering through halls, making intense dorm room forts, creating especially strange music videos, and going to iHop of all places in the  middle of the night. If you look at their profile, you will notice at least fourteen friend adds per day in addition to some extra special pictures of their new dorm room and a lot of boring wall conversations with their sweet little high school friends.
5. They will likely wear university gear on an extremely frequent basis. I understand that most college students have an obscene amount of t-shirts from their school; however, freshmen likely only have t-shirts purchased from the university bookstore, for which they paid at least $20, or rather their parents did when they chose to attend the particular school. Your average upperclassmen might regularly wear the college clothes, however, these t-shirts will be more specialized and indicative of a certain game they attended or activity or club they participated in.

While there are many other ways to signal one's freshman status, these are the biggest red flags I have come across in my years. So, high schoolers, please remember this, for your own sake, when you make that big transition to a new campus.

See Ya, Santa!

It's the greatest time of the year! Christmas is here! We all know what that means; extremely busy shopping malls, eating far too many desserts, embarrassing sweaters, presents and wish lists, and of course, SANTA CLAUS! Inevitably, every year child after child eagerly writes santa a letter claiming what an upstanding five year old they have been over the past year and how they, perhaps more than any other child, deserves an iPad and a Wii. Every year parents of these same children must then go out late the night of Thanksgiving, braving the crazed crowds, and fight twelve other moms for that iPad and Wii for their child to open Christmas morning. Of course, these gifts will be labeled "From Santa." After all, if Santa failed to bring these perfect little angels their wished for yet completely age-inappropriate gifts, they would likely be thrown into a complete tizzy. "Mommy, why did Santa bring me a Barbie doll? I told Santa to bring me an iPad!" Let's face it, no parent wants to hear these words of disappointment. Naturally, these children will begin to question Santa if he doesn't give them what they ask for. After all, doesn't Santa have a long list of what every kid wants so he can grant all of their wishes? A parent must be especially diligent to make sure they know exactly what their child wants as to uphold their son or daughter's utmost belief in the man.

Inevitably, once a kid has spent a few years on the playground out at recess they will hear the devastating news: Santa doesn't exist. Quite frequently, this news isn't taken lightly. After all, who wants to hear that the creepy man whose lap they have been sitting on, leaving cookies for, and writing letters to for their entire existence up until now is just a fake?! Talk about devastating. This realization will likely result in tears that last hours, if not days. The holly jolly feelings a child experiences during the holiday season may never be completely restored due to their discovery of deceit.

Eventually, as these children mature, most of this Christmas spirit will be restored, and by the time they are in college, they will likely be able to experience the joy of Christmas once again despite their knowledge that Santa is simply a ploy. With such a long period of emotional recovery, is believing in Santa ever really worth it? Wouldn't Christmas be even more special if parents just skipped the entire "pretending-there-is-a-Santa" stage of their children's life, thus avoiding the "I'm-sorry-I-ever-lied-to-you-about-there-being-a-Santa" stage which may end up being longer than the actual period of belief? Santa simply distracts from the real Christmas story while encouraging deceit and spreading false hopes among innocent children.

Oh The Drama!

Imagine that you are in this situation. You have either dropped out of college, skipped college all together, or just quit your job in your hometown, packed up all of your things, and moved to the absolute cheapest apartment you could find in LA in hopes of making it big as an actor or actress. Your parents, siblings, grandparents, boyfriend or girlfriend all say they support you in this decision, after all you are so talented. You always got the lead roles in the plays at your 2A high school. Or maybe you are just always the one cracking jokes and making everyone smile. Whatever it is, you have a flair for drama and it would be a shame not to share it with the whole world.

So you're in LA. You have a weird drug addict roommate who spends a lot of their day at the beach, the rest watching TV, who knows really, you don't really talk to him. You have an agent, but unfortunately they charge an arm and a leg and you don't know exactly how many connections they really have. But hey, it's something! After you've taken your headshots and gotten as settled as you can in your ramshackle apartment, you realize just how expensive this launch of your career is going to be. It's really a shame you are from Nebraska and not LA, you just loved freeloading off of your parents. Next on the agenda while your agent sets up all of your auditions is finding a job. You apply everywhere. Every cute clothing boutique, every surf shop, every fine restaurant, every store in every nice mall. No good. Finally, a call comes in one day- you have an interview! "Who did you say you're with again? McDonald's?" You hang up the phone discouraged, you don't even remember applying to McDonald's and you haven't had any auditions yet.

You've got the job. Though it sucks to work with a bunch of high schools and to constantly smell like grease, it's at least some income, though it doesn't nearly cover the cost of your monthly bills, let alone your rent, food, and going out budget. Fortunately you have at least some flair for the drama because you have convinced your grandparents you are in dier need and they are sending you monthly checks to cover the rest. All seems to be going along, not well, but at least you are surviving. Unfortunately with no acting job, it makes telling all the new people you meet at bars and clubs that you are an actor kind of difficult if you can't tell them what you are currently working on. Likewise, it's never a good choice to tell someone you work at McDonald's. You have resorted to telling people you are taking time off from school. You tell them you go to University of Nebraska, it's not like they will ever know.

Months later, your agent calls you with a number of auditions (what have they been doing all this time I've been paying them?). They are for a variety of projects including some cable TV shows, one network TV show, some parts as extras in a movie, etc. They are a broad range and you are so excited. Unfortunately, between your wild party life and your long hours flipping burgers and making change at McDonalds, you've spent little time profecting your auditioning skills. Most of your auditions are a complete disaster. You leave feeling fairly defeated. Days pass and you wallow in your apartment. You call in sick to work. You don't feel like going out with your new "friends." You just lay in bed and watch trash TV. Even your weird roommate is beginning to wonder if you are OK. Then, you get a phone call. You figure it's probably your boss firing you, but it's your agent. You've got a part and you need to come sign contracts. You are so excited that you hang up the phone before you even think to ask what part it is.

Your mind is racing as you shower, dress, and jump in your car to go meet with your agent. Your mind is racing. Are you going to be a star on the next ABC drama, or maybe opposite your favorite hunky actor in a steamy romantic comedy. You get to the office, park your car, and nearly race up the stairs to the office. You find your agent and sit down at a table for a  discussion of your part. You tell yourself, you don't even care what it is, this is your big break. After all, at this point desperation doesn't even begin to describe the mind set you are in. Your agent begins to tell you that it's a TLC show that is dying to have you, however, chances are you will only be used in one episode of their show. What a disappointment. He continues to tell you all about how great this job is and that it's going to jumpstart your career as a television actress. Finally, you ask "What's the show I will be on again?" He responds shyly, as if embarrassed, (he probably is!), "The show is called I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. It turns out you look exactly like one of the girls who is going to be on an upcoming episode and they need a dramatization actress."

You are shocked. Really? That's what they think of my acting abilities? I am only talented enough to play a girl who was too stupid to realize she was with child? You don't know whether to be flattered that you look like her or just disturbed about the entire situation. After all, who wants to be a dramatization actress? All the credit you get is simply acknowledgement to the audience that you are, in fact an actress. Is this worth the one day's work before you have to go back to slumming it at McDonald's, or should you just go back to Nebraska and live in your parents' basement. Oh the drama!

Tourist

It absolutely cracks me up to go on vacations and see what people choose to take pictures of. I understand that sentimentality is important to an extent. Yes, sometimes we do want to show our friends and family what we did while we were away. However, there are things that we absolutely DO NOT need to take pictures of because, quite frankly no one we are sharing our pictures with wants to see them and we would have to be insane to want to look at these pictures again. Two places one is likely to visit while away are a zoo and a museum. Both have plenty of photo opportunities but neither have worthwhile ones. As a tourist photographer at the zoo, you will walk around and take pictures of the lions, tigers, elephants, and giraffes in their cages. Because they are at the zoo and bored out of their minds, they will probably be sleeping and you will struggle to get anything more than a picture of their rear end. Additionally, because zoos house dangerous creatures, it is impossible to get remotely close to the animals and any picture you take will look like you took it out of an airplane. You might as well look up YouTube montages of googled images of the animals with some soothing Enya song in the background to share with those close to you. Museums are equally worthless places to take pictures for similar reasons. First of all, everything at museums is behind glass and therefore uautomatically impossible to get a decent picture of. Furthermore, if you want to look at pictures of a Navajo pot or the inside of a human body or a stuffed polar bear, you can find all of these images online, in greater numbers and higher quality. Do yourself and your friends a favor next time you are at a museum or zoo or really any other tourist attraction for that matter; live in the moment, not in a constant effort to preserve this moment for the future because then it will pass you by. Sure, take pictures, but take pictures of the people you are with, not the random things you saw. 

The Most Wonderful Time Of Year

It's the most wonderful time of the year. You probably think I'm crazy. In fact, I'm surprised you even have time to read this between buying your books and moving into your dorm and buying new clothes and getting your parking permit and ID card and meal plan all worked out. No, I'm not crazy and no, I don't love being busy, in fact, I hate it. But second to Christmas, back-to-school is my favorite time of the year. Ever since I was but a small first grader, I have loved not the physical act of going back to school and hearing teachers talk about why all of the other classes aren't worth our time but theirs is etc. etc., but the act of preparing to do so. Yes, I'm talking about those Target runs when you walk around for what seems like forever picking out which notebooks are the most ideal given the particular schedule you have this semester and which highlighters are going to show off the most important information the best. Unfortunately this errand isn't as exciting or as monumental in college as it was in elementary school when you got your "4th Grade School Supplies" list in the mail and then you would beg and plead (or at least I would) with your mom for the entire month of July for her to take you school supply shopping until lo and behold, the first week (or second or third) week of August she finally takes you. When you finally made it to the store of course, it was always a debate of what was actually necessary to purchase from the list, "do we really need Elmer's glue?" and which items that weren't on the list were necessary, "isn't last year's pink and purple spacemaker cool enough or are pencil pouches going to be in this year?" Then there was picking out which colors of notebooks and folders you want. Trust me, this can take time. For instance, you can pick out all six notebooks, perhaps deciding that you are going to color code them based on class, but then realize that they are out of certain colors of folders, thus throwing off your color-coordination. And once you have the more basic supplies picked out, you've got to work out those big purchases. There's always the question of how often is it appropriate to purchase a new backpack. If you choose to buy one every year for instances, chances are, you will find yourself in college with a collection of 5 pink Jansport backpacks, one zebra Jansport backpack, a few miscellaneous L.L. Bean backpacks from years you really planned ahead and ordered them and another random backpack that you got for free that's better than all of the other ones. If you're eight you usually have to worry about buying a lunchbox, too. 


I honestly can't say exactly why I love all of this crazy planning and picking and purchasing, perhaps it's just the predictability before the complete mess of unpredictability that comes with each new year.

A Story

In a far off land called Campache Caperche, there lived an old maid named Bertha. Bertha was married to an even older man named Clyde and together they worked the land for a powerful man named Mr. D. Clyde was responsible for maintaining healthy, green pastures, which he did with the help of his trusty steed, Gus. Though Bertha had various responsibilities of her own, she often appeared unoccupied, bored and sad. Perhaps this was because of Clyde's intense bond with his horse. It was a rare sight to see Bertha and Clyde together because Clyde was always riding Gus out in the fields. As the days passed, Bertha grew sadder and sadder. She could almost see Clyde's love for her vanishing before her eyes as he spent more and more time with Gus. Bertha tried everything to regain Clyde's love; she lost weight and she bought beautiful color corresponding outfits, but nothing worked.

One day, years after Bertha had lost all hope, something changed. The owner of the land hired a new worker, Jethro, to prepare delicious dishes for the visitors. The young chef was a breath of fresh air for Bertha's broken heart. Though Bertha was responsible for deciding who was allowed to set foot on the land, she began neglecting her duties in order to flirt with the ever so youthful Jethro. Three times a day, she invited herself into the cooking chambers, hoping that by flirtaciously preparing eggs, she would successfully catch Jethro's eye.

The tables had turned. Bertha who once spent her days longing after her bored, oblivious husband had moved on to the fresh, younger meat, but Clyde was beginning to notice. Suddenly, there was a void in his heart that only Bertha's love could fill, and as much time as he spent riding Gus, this void was growing larger and larger. Meanwhile, Bertha continued to throw herself at Jethro. What started out as innocent secretive flirting soon became blatantly obvious attempts to hook up with Jethro. The unknowing onlooker would think Bertha was a single woman going after a single man. To throw another twist into the situation, Jethro eventually revealed that he was betrothed to a young, beautiful woman named Sasha. Not only was Sasha the prettiest maiden in all the land, but she was also nice and made the most delicious desserts known to man. Bertha, a woman who never before cared about her appearance soon began putting extra effort into making herself appear more beautiful. She regularly visited D' wizard for potions to make her hair more beautiful and relieve her chronic constipation. Despite her best efforts to not get her hopes up, she soon became delusional, living into some fantasy where she and Jethro were young and in love and Clyde and Sasha didn't even exist. She was overcome with hysterical laughing attacks in which only she thought something was funny. To everyone she worked with, she appeared to be going crazy. It was no longer a case of innocent flirtation or a more scandalous situation of adultery, everyone developed a sincere concern for Bertha's health and sanity.

Meanwhile, suspicions were growing about Jethro's interests. Was he really truly in love with his perfect soon to be wife Sasha? Or was crazy Bertha some how winning him over with her unique sense of humor and fashion sense. Mr. D began to recognize a sudden shift in the menu at Campache Caperche; a strange lack of desserts and a bizarre addition of scrambled eggs with nearly every meal. Irritated, Mr. Dewtaxes knew there was only one solution to not only save the peasants from eating their weight in eggs, but also save the heaven made match of Sasha and Jethro. He declared in all the land that only those workers whom he hired to cook for him would be allowed to do so, effectively banning Bertha from stepping foot near Jethro in the kitchen ever again. Bertha was devastated. She hadn't made all this effort and put her heart on the line just to be manipulated by her master. However, even as upset as she was, there wasn't much more she could do than return to her chamber to perform her assigned tasks.

It seemed her relationships were at a standstill. Day after day, Bertha performed her duties as she looked forward to meal times hoping she could catch a glimpse of her dear Jethro. In the evenings, she dreaded returning to her small home as she knew Clyde likely wouldn't speak to her because of her obvious adultery. One night, as Bertha completed her duties, she looked outside her dark chamber to notice Jethro playing a game alone on the centronium. Elated, she ran out to meet him, for she'd never been alone with him outside the kitchen.

Jethro invited Bertha to play basketball with her, despite her utter lack of hand eye coordination and overall athletic abilities. It was the most liberating yet terrifying experience of her life. On the one hand, she was alone at last with the man whom she believed was the love of her life. On the other hand, she knew that basketball was no way to a man's heart and she could never compete with Sasha's delicious cupcake creations. And yet at that moment it was she who was with Jethro. Perhaps they were never meant to be together, just in those stolen moments. But it was then, bouncing that ball up and down the court with Jethro, that Bertha realized she just might be okay with being the other woman.


Sometimes things don't always end up how we want them to, but we have to make the best of the situations we're in. The End.

Silence Please!

Typically, we are encouraged to visit our dentist twice a year, or once every six months. This enables us to maintain healthy oral hygiene, keep our X-ray records up to date, and ensure that we get a new toothbrush at least that often. Overall, I don't have a huge beef with going to the dentist. Granted, I hate waking up early and those are usually the appointments I can make and I hate scraping sounds with are so often heard in this particular offices, but otherwise the dentist is usually a pretty safe place. However, I always get a little uncomfortable with the dental hygienists. It's not that they are scary or unapproachable or anything, in fact, the problem is that they are far too nice. They want more than anything (perhaps more than polishing and flossing your teeth) to know every small detail about everything in your life. For example, if you are a college student they are most certainly going to be interested in not only your major, but also where you live, what clubs you're involved in, where you like to eat, what you do for fun, and probably what you wrote your college entrance essays about because chances are they have a 14-year-old nephew who "will be in college soon" and is obviously seeking the academic advice of his aunt's patient. And the worst part is, not only are you having these pointless conversations with someone you maybe see twice a year, but you are having them while you are laying down with their hands in your mouth. This puts you in hands down the most awkward position ever, not to mention the most mentally tiring. Your mind is in constant limbo as you ask yourself "Do I answer? What does she care? And is it more important that I make meaningless conversation with her or put my mouth in the best position for the best clean possible so that I get my money's worth?" I'm sure that these dental hygienists get their teeth cleaned on a regular basis, so certainly, they should be aware of the awkward situation one is put in when they are asked questions while they have hands and contraptions in their mouths. I understand that they likely feel as if working in complete silence may be rude or uncomfortable, but it's a simple request I make of all hygienists and all dentists.

LOTW 5/29

This week's lingo: "Janky"

I recently realized that while I have used this lingo in many posts, I have failed to discuss the linguistic uses of this all encompassing term. Additionally, there are numerous opportunities for creating different versions of this ultra-useful term.

Synonyms: inferior, of poor quality, bad, gross, lame, dirty, old, worthless, useless, questionable, strange, wrong.

It can be used to describe people, places, and things...


Example: You desperately need to get your oil changed. You specifically search out the nearest, least ghetto Jiffy Lube. Because you know nothing about getting your oil changed or cars in general, you ask your guy friend to go with you. Unfortunately, he is busy so you have to go alone. Upon your arrival, you tell the person in charge that you need an oil change, give him your keys, and go sit inside to study for your upcoming Spanish exam. 20 minutes later, the person you talked to comes in and asks you what you want done to your car, confused, you tell him exactly what you told him before but proceed to ask him questions, because like I said, you don't know anything about anything. One of your main concerns is increasing the miles per gallon on your car. Unfortunately, you learn that getting your oil changed won't improve that, but getting a new fuel filter will. As these are usually rather expensive, the person working on your car offers to give you one for free, but there is a catch. Apparently, one of his workers is struggling in the lady department and needs practice flirting, so for the small price of flirting with him, you can save lots of money at the tank. Needless to say, this is the JANKIEST situation you have ever been in. You are immediately super upset at your guy friend that was supposed to come with you, so you text him about how janky your life is in that moment. In the end you end up getting it for free, but the guy is too scared to even talk to you, talk about janky!

Example: You are shopping at Forever 21 with your girlfriends and you find an amazing dress that you absolutely love. You go to try it on and realize the zipper is jammed. Your friend asks to see the dress. You call back, "I would, too bad the zipper is super janky"

Example: You are working out at what you thought was a rather respectable athletic club. While using the elliptical, you look over to the weight machines and see one of your fellow athletic club members working out in his scrubs and crocs. Absolutely appalled at his lack of preparation for his workout you immediately tweet, "Hey sir, are you getting an adequate workout in those scrubs and crocs... What's up Janky!"

Acceptable versions of janky:
Jank city
Janky mcskanky
MLIJ(My Life Is Jank)
Jank
Jankfest
Jankster
Jankaholic
Sir Jank-a-lot

More Like Scrub Out

We have all seen them: professionals in scrubs. Yes, surgeons don this comfortable uniform, what some may consider glorified pajamas, but dentists, nurses, physical therapists, random technicians, and receptionists also choose these over other outfits. I understand that when one works in a situation where they risk getting bodily fluids are all over them, scrubs are a perfectly acceptable outfit. The wearer wouldn't be concerned about ruining their "professional outfit," as they probably have a gazillion other pairs of scrubs and they can easily be thrown in the wash. However, I am seriously confused as to why the person who simply answers the phone and schedules appointments for your orthodontist feels the need to wear this outfit? Are they worried someone is going to spontaneously barf or bleed all over them? Or perhaps they just want to look like surgeons when they go on their lunch break in their scrubs. However, if they would take a break from answering their phones and watched just one episode of Grey's Anatomy, they would realize these surgeons don't even wear their scrubs out and about, but rather change out of their scrubs before they leave the hospital. This all goes back to the fact that doctors have a use for scrubs, to wear and get dirty instead of their real clothes. It would be disgusting if they wore their dirty scrubs to Forever 21 randomly after work (which apparently is the outfit to wear at this particular store on random week nights). Plus, if you are shopping for clothes, why don't you wear those to work instead of scrubs, they are bound to be more flattering and professional looking than the kangaroo or flower patterns you picked up at Walmart when you went grocery shopping last week. Those whose jobs don't require scrubs should follow in Meredith Grey's footsteps and realize that by wearing their "uniform" out and about they are admitting to having more skills with a telephone than with a scalpel.

LOTW 5/8

This week's lingo: "NGL*"

*An acronym for the phrase, "not gonna lie."

Example: Your friend has been encouraging you to watch their favorite television show for a while, but with finals and your addiction to a different television show, you simply haven't found the time... until now. After watching just one episode, you are completely hooked, and proceed to watch the next six episodes in a single sitting. So excited about this show, you text your friend, "NGL, I'm officially addicted to (insert name of show here)."

Why it works: The use of NGL in this particular situation indicates that you are so excited about this television show you don't have to lie or exaggerate about not only your excitement, but also your level of excitement because both will make your friend feel good about encouraging you to check it out.

Example: You and your friends have spent the entire day in Club Libs studying for your finals and are ready to kick back for a little bit before going to sleep. However, once you trek all the way back to your dorm, you realize you are completely starved. You manage to find 85 cents in your backpack, enough to score you a bag of chips from the vending machine. You have the option of choosing the rather boring, but safe original Lays potato chips or an off brand of Ragin' Ranch rippled potato chips, which you ultimately end up choosing. Unfortunately, you don't notice the part of the bag that says the chips have a "kick" before you purchase them. When you finally open the bag and try the chips, your mouth is absolutely on fire and you freak out because quite frankly, you are a child and hate things with "adventurous" tastes. You scream and say, "NGL- those are the spiciest chips I have ever eaten!" before gulping whatever drink is nearby.

Why is works: NGL is necessary for two reasons in this particular circumstance. First, because of the reaction going on in your mouth, you are certainly pressed for time. Consuming something that will calm down the spiciness is your top priority, so you don't have enough time to spit out the entire phrase "not gonna lie." The concise nature of NGL makes it essential for this situation. Furthermore, NGL is helpful in relaying to your friends that you are in a lot of pain, because once again, you don't need to lie or exaggerate in this situation because you are telling the truth. This will help your friends help you :)

Dream Job pt. 2

As you may recall in my "The Job of Your Dreams" entry, I came to the conclusion that the best job ever would be to be that person that writes product descriptions for Sky Mall. However, I have since come up with an easier, better job than that....

I definitely now aspire to be on the cast of MTV's not-so-hit afternoon game show "Silent Library." If you are unaware of what the show is, I suggest you watch on episode on the channel's website. Basically the show has six contestants, usually a group of guy friends, who complete ridiculous tasks in a "library." This sounds simple enough, but while one person is completing the task, his friends must remain as silent as possible, or they risk losing the prize money awarded for that task. To make the show more realistic, the producers decided to hire a cast of "library-goers." These actors simply sit around on the set, looking rather ordinary, reading books. When the contestants are too loud, the camera pans to these actors who obviously make a very annoyed face.

Who knows how much these people get paid, but honestly, who wouldn't want to get paid to wear Goodwill looking clothes and make annoyed faces?! You could probably actually catch up on your reading during the filming of this show and no one knows your name, so you have no reason to be embarrassed. If you are worried about struggling in school, failing your finals, or finding a job after graduation, I definitely suggest saving your money, dropping out of school now, and filling out an application for this dream job.

So you're done with finals...

Sometimes during finals you luck out. Your professors turn out to be super lazy and test you on the last day of class, or maybe they ask for a poster or paper instead because they don't want to stay into May. Whatever the case, you may be done, but obvs don't want to leave campus before your friends because you won't see them all summer. Your friends will be busy but it's still worth it to stay if there are opportunities for you to see your friends. I have graciously compiled a list of five things you can do if you are in this somewhat boring situation.

1. Watch cool National Geographic shows. I know every time you go onto Netflix you are extremely tempted to watch the ridiculous documentaries. Lucky for you, they are only about 40 minutes long usually so you can watch at least 10 of them while you're waiting for your friends to get out of the libs. I would definitely suggest Shark Superhighway and Supercroc. If you want to hang out with your friends while they are struggling to learn their accounting or Spanish, you should just bring your laptop and watch them in the libs. If anyone asks what on earth you are doing, you can simply say you are using it as a source for your paper :)

2. In some parts of the United States, squirrels aren't scampering around everywhere. However, you might be fortunate enough to live on a campus where they do. During the school year you don't have time to watch these awesome little animals play, but when there's nothing better to do, I definitely suggest you walk a little bit slower.

3. The libs is a great place even if you have nothing to do. You can see your friends, stalk people on Facebook, catch up on your television shows, read an awesome children's book, get a smoothie, write a blog, look at magazines, and color in your coloring book, among other things.

4. If you are usually concerned about there not being lounge chairs available at the pool, there definitely will be some during finals. In fact, you will probably be the only person there. If you are self-conscious about your lack of swimming abilities, this is the perfect time to go. However, if you enjoy being social, chances are you won't run into anybody at the pool.

5. Definitely take the time to enjoy the outdoors by going to a local playground to swing on the swing set. It's often difficult to pull your friends away from their studies to do such an activity, but it's imperative that you convince them it's a good study break so you don't have to go by yourself.

*If you find yourself repeating any of these activities, or even completing this list, I suggest that you suck it up and go home. You obviously aren't living up your last few days of college and any of these things can be done basically anywhere you are, whether you are at a university or not. Use the time you are wasting to pack up your stuff, say your goodbyes, and look forward to what is hopefully an exciting summer and next semester.

LOTW 5/1

This week's lingo: "The Yuge*"

*This term is similar to the phrases "on the reg" and "typical" as discussed in earlier entries, however, once again, its uses are different than those of the previously mentioned phrases and I hope you will understand as you read further.


Example: You and your roommate are chatting about your lives. She's been pretty busy lately and you've been hanging out lately. It's a rare occasion that y'all are even in the same place at the same time, but you decide to go to bed early because you are completely tired. Your roommate asks you why you are turning out the lights at 10:30, you respond, "I have nothing better to do, ya know, the yuge!"

Example: You give your number to a boy that you are interested in. He has held off on contacting you for a few days, but when he finally does, all he's interested in is mooching off your meal plan because he is out. Frustrated, you text your bff and tell her, "So-and-so finally texted me, he wants me to buy him lunch, ya know, the yuge!"

Why it works: In these instance, the yuge is being used not only to indicate a pattern, but also adds a somewhat sad, pathetic tone to your statement. The use of the yuge implies the idea that when something less than desirable happens to you, you aren't at all surprised simply because of the frequency with which these things happen. Additionally, it supplies a sense of regularity to stories or events in your life; it provides a feeling of routine, even if it is something bad.

Getcha Franks, Getcha Norts

It's almost summer. Chances are you are doing one of three things: 

1. living at your parents house and they are probably going to make you find a job bagging groceries at HEB or something
2. some awesome internship that's going to really give you a leg up on the competition when you are out in the workforce
3. working at an awesome summer camp

If you are in one of the first two groups, I am sorry. You will probably be required to wear either jeans and some ugly read t-shirt or a suit all summer. Perhaps on Saturdays you will have the opportunity to dress like a real college student. However, if you are blessed enough to have the absolute best work uniform (in addition to the ability to be outside with awesome kids and your friends all day doing ridiculous fun things all the time!)

The two camp necessities: Franks and Norts! Perhaps you are unfamiliar with these clothing items? What? Let me educate you with a few short equations:

Frat + Tank = FRANK

Nike + Shorts = NORTS

I have come to realize that both of these phrases are an absolute mouth full, especially with the frequency with which you will be using them. For instance, you are chatting with you roomie at camp after doing laundry and you could say, "Heya Grace, have you seen my pink Nike shorts?" When you two can't find them, Sarah comes in and asks, "What are y'all looking for?" You clearly respond with "My pink Nike shorts." After this goes on with Emily and Christian, you have said Nike shorts so many times to the point where it doesn't even sound like a word anymore. So why not save yourself a few breathes, probably those necessary to beat the boys in dodgeball, and simply respond with NORTS.

The same thing could easily happen with frat tanks. For instance, you exhaustedly walk to breakfast half asleep one morning. You are sitting at the table with your fellow staff members making as much conversation as you can make at 8 in the morning. Suddenly you notice that Daniel across the table has stolen one of the awesome frat tanks that Sarah so kindly designed for the girls. Annoyed, you could say, "Daniel, where'd you get that frat tank? You aren't a girl!" This conversation likely will not end there and you have already said frat tank one too many times. Because of the early hour and the likely cattiness of the conversation you definitely need to start the conversation with the use of FRANK rather than implement it later on.

Though the use of these terms is obvs not required, I suggest their use as both items will likely be referred to on the reg as they are very typical items to be found in a variety of summer situations.

ATTENTION!

I first of all would like to apologize for my excited promotion of the use of Foursquare. I still agree that it's awesome and I love seeing where my friends are, etc. However, I value my personal safety much more than I value participating in the game of Foursquare and for that reason, I have deleted my account. I have read many articles about the dangers of geotagging, and while I think some of them may not apply to me, it's always better to be safe than sorry when it comes to your personal safety and private information. If you are curious as to the dangers, simply google "geotagging dangerous" or "foursquare dangerous" and you will see. This particular article is what freaked me out the most. Again, I am truly sorry if I have led any of you to make a decision you regret.

Club Libs VIP

It's time for finals! This means that we will be in club libs on the reg, perhaps more often than we are in our rooms. I understand that it is absolutely impossible to sit in club libs for hours on end doing hw without taking a few sanity/study breaks. For this reason, I have compiled a list of fun things to do other than hw in the library.

• Perhaps one of the most distracting sections is the children's book area. It's always so fun to reward your star study habits with a fun picture book from your playground days. This may end up being a little too distracting as you will certainly become distracted by thoughts of the "good old days" rather than concentrating on your supply and demand curves and Spanish vocabulary.
• If you remember to bring headphones, there is a world of opportunities for time wasting activities. Netflix On Demand offers a wide range of television shows, movies, and documentaries. Might I suggest you take a break from your statistics homework to watch Colossal Squid/Squid Invasion? (I will warn you however that there are two parts so this may take up more time than you are willing to sacrifice.)
• If you are the more intellectual type (and of course you are, I mean, you're in club libs!) you should definitely exercise your brain with a few Sporcle quizzes. My favorite categories are the baby names and the finish the lyrics questions. I will warn you however, you will probably become temporarily addicted and absolutely unable to transition back to your marketing project.
• This first one depends completely on where you are situated within the library. There are so many choices of where to sit. You have to decide if you want to be social, as in sitting out in the open in and in a heavily trafficked area, or if you want to be absolutely isolated and miserable. If you choose to isolate yourself, you can sit in a window and watch all the happy people outside, eating, chatting, strolling, going to class etc.
• If there is one thing I would not suggest, it is Facebook. The reason is simple- once you start you can't stop and there is absolutely no time constraint on stalking. Chances are you will find yourself still on Facebook three hours later looking at three year old homecoming pictures of your cousin's best friend's little sister.

I hope this list is helpful if you are looking for a distraction, or maybe reading this was a sufficient study break and you are ready to go back to your Chinese Cinema project. Whatever your situation, I absolutely suggest that if you aren't doing anything, you should probs leave club libs because it's beautiful outside and there's nothing more miserable than being in there if you aren't getting your stuff done.

LOTW: 4/24

Lingo of the week: "Lolz"

We all know those people. They use "lol" like they use um or an awkward silence. In fact, next to "k" there is probably no other word that we hate seeing in a text message. For instance, you text your best friend some long story about how you were driving home for the weekend and you looked in the car next to you and it was some random boy that you met at a party and prayed you would never see again and all you get back is the dreaded, "lol." Other people use "lol" like it's a space, comma, or period. They legitimately use it to break up their thoughts like any form of punctuation would do. I know you hate this, I do too, however, the use to "lolz" I will argue is perfectly acceptable.

This may remind you of those people who "t3xt lyk3 th1s" or change their name on Myspace to something like alliiii dayyyy. Whatever it reminds you of, please hear me out. The use of "lolz" adds a funny ironic twist, that is a little acknowledgement of how you could be texting or perhaps how you used to text. However, it also is way less annoying than that overused lol because it does add that humorous aspect. How many people are actually "laughing out loud?" probably none. When you add the z though, the acronym loses its "laughing out loud" meaning and just tells the other person that you think what they are saying is funny. Finally, when you find yourself reading a text message out loud and you come upon the word "lol" there is always a quick internal debate. Do you read it as "L. O. L.?" or do you read it how it sounds, "lawl?" The word lolz must always be read as "lawlz" not only because it rolls off the tongue so well, but also because it's not an acronym. 

Backpack! Backpack! Backpack!

Backpacks. As college students, we see them everyday. Some are big, some small, some on wheels. Some of us have just one; it’s always full of our daily necessities and we take it everywhere. Others of us have more than one, and we switch our stuff depending on what we need and our outfit daily dictates which bag we carry on our back. Finally, some of us simply carry one around, full of almost nothing, simply as a means of looking studious. I firmly believe that you can learn a lot about someone simply by a simple observation of how they like to carry their books. Have you ever thought about what your backpack says about you? 

#1: The Strappy, Adventurous Looking Backpack

This student clearly has a sense of risk and adventure in them. All of the compartments either mean that they are very organized or they use their backpack for hiking on the reg. You can also tell a lot about what they keep in these compartments. The water bottle on the side implies that they love to stay hydrated or had a wild night last night. If they keep their keys and ID card on the side they are clearly rushed people because they want to get places quickly. Also, because this backpack is so intense and large, they are likely to be highly motivated academically as they likely carry all of their books and laptop around on the reg. However, there is also a high chance that this person is a poser, that is, they have an intense backpack so people assume they are intense about academics or athletics. It's important to differentiate which type of person this is on a case by case basis. 

#2: The Traditional Jansport Backpack

This person likely has been using this backpack since the sixth grade. There are a variety of patterns available, so this is probably the girl that trades out her backpack on a day to day basis. Additionally, they probably keep a pencil or two in the front pocket, but because of the size and pattern of this backpack, they likely don't live out of it. This person is trying their hardest to mix fashion and practicality into their college experience. If their backpack is in fact from back in the day, they may also be sentimental and like to look back on the "good old days" of middle school crushes and science fairs.

#3: The Athletic Backpack From A High School Sport

This person may also be sentimental, but not about middle school. They probably played some type of club sport in high school, whether it was volleyball, swimming, or something else. While they were dedicated to athletics and their team back in the day, chances are, they weren't skilled enough to make a college team. Rather than walk around campus appearing unathletic to the random passerby, this person would rather show them that at one point in time they were athletic. This backpack is also similar to the intense strappy backpack as it has many of the same compartmental capabilities. There is a chance that this person chooses to use this backpack also for it's organizational and academic capabilities in addition to its athletic image. 

#4: The Novelty Character/Celebrity Backpack

This person is clearly a child at heart. Academics aren't likely a top priority because it's tiny and can't hold more than a book and a notebook. There is a chance that this backpack was given to the user as a joke, but the fact that the user chooses to use it clearly means that they do in fact love whatever TV show or teenie bopper celebrity's face is on the back. They may also be an attention seeker, otherwise they wouldn't choose to stand out with such a silly, showy back.

#5: The Mini Backpack

This person is clearly more interested in making a statement than pursing academics or conventionality. In the case of the mini backpack, users generally use the backpack as their purse, to carry their keys, wallet, phone, Ipod, pens and pencils, and highlighters. In their arms they carry their notebooks and books etc. Because carrying school work depends on the arm strength of the user, they likely won't carry around a lot of books etc, because those can be heavy. Additionally, they probably aren't very social because in order to carry your books in our arms, there is no place to put your phone other than your backpack when you're on the move. In this case, the user's phone likely isn't blowing up, or they would be dying to have it in their hands. 

#6: The Monogrammed Backpack

Like the Jansport backpack, this is likely a backpack from childhood. Chances are, the user's mother chose it for them in kindergarten or elementary school and had it monogrammed so their young child wouldn't get it confused with other people's backpacks. This backpack is also likely to have sentimental value, because the user probably associates it with their mother, in addition to snack time, read aloud, and playgrounds. Furthermore, the user probably enjoys being seen as unique because they have a one-of-a-kind backpack on their campus. 

#7: The Sidepack

This person probably carries their laptop around with them on the reg because generally these bags are designed specially for computers. Perhaps this user lives off campus and brings their stuff to the library on the reg. This person also is likely to have back or shoulder problems because of the uneven weight distribution caused by the bag. Furthermore, because they definitely have their backpack in the bag, they may have a gaming or facebook addiction because they need their laptop with them at all times. 

#8: The Drawstring Backpack

This backpack implies a complete lack of dedication to one's academic pursuits. These backpacks are almost never purchased, but rather given away to participants in a number of activities, sports, etc. The design and size of the backpack also don't lend themselves well to carrying around books and notebooks. They are likely the student that brings the bear minimum to class as they can't physical carry much and they weren't even serious enough to purchase a backpack when preparing for college.

#10: The Jon Hart/Vera Bradley Backpack

Self explanatory...

Note: This is not meant as a dig at anyone. It's simply my take on the use of backpacks. I for one use two Jansport backpacks and one ex-athlete volleyball backpack for my academic and athletic pursuits.

LOTW 4/17

This week's lingo: "On the reg"

First of all, I am aware that on the reg is similar to the use of typical, however, there are important differences and uses of this particular phrase as opposed to typical which makes it acceptable as the LOTW. On the reg is derived from the phrase "on a regular basis." If on the reg is too much of a mouthful to fit into your daily conversation, the abbreviation, "OTR" is a perfectly acceptable alternative.

Example: You have given up sweets for Lent, because, quite frankly, you eat them way too much. You are in the dining hall with a friend for a late afternoon snack. While you are walking around aimlessly, your friend asks you why you haven't gotten anything to eat yet. Upset, not because of lent, but because your body is craving sugar, you respond, "I don't know what to eat because I eat afternoon cake on the reg."

Example: You are discussing what you have been up to lately with a good friend. She is complaining about how much homework and other extra curriculars she has and how stressed she is. She asks you what you have been up to. You tell her that in the past two weeks you have watched three and a half seasons of Grey's Anatomy on Netflix. Shocked, she asks you how that is even possible as a busy college student. You shrug and respond, "I just watch it on the reg."

Why these work: On the reg implies that this is a daily habit, something as constant as breathing and living. In the cake example, you are walking around like a zombie because you are on sweets withdrawals. While you could say, "I typically eat cake, etc, etc," this phrase establishes the importance of cake, or whatever else you may be referring to, as a part of your daily routine. Furthermore, the Grey's Anatomy example also signifies this phrase's use as an indication of something being a part of your daily routine: you go to class and watch TV, simple. 

Example: You make a new friend. After spending time together in a unique setting, you contact her to let her know how much you enjoyed getting to know her. Perhaps you write on her Facebook wall, or maybe you text her. Regardless of your method of contact, you say, "Hey so-and-so, I had so much fun with you, I expect us to hang out on the reg."

Why it works: Including on the reg in this statement further highlights that you enjoyed spending time with her. If you didn't, you wouldn't want to spend so much time with her, right? When used to refer to your hopes and dreams for the future, this is a very useful phrase because it adds a sense of seriousness and commitment to the situation to which you are referring.

What's In YOURRRRR Pocket?!

For those of us in college, we are certainly aware of who is associated with Greek life. This is often due to the style of these particular individuals. As a rule of thumb, we recognize Greeks as those wearing neon, tanks, fanny packs, hats, croakies, Sperrys, and of course, the pocket tee. Some of us, Greek and GDI included, may hate these looks, while others may love them. However, regardless of how you feel about Greek life, and certainly about Greek style, I believe we can all agree that pocket tees are by far the greatest fashion breakthrough since zippers. I will now provide you with the pros and cons in investing as many pocket tees as possible.

Pros:

• If you are in college you are constantly needing to carry around a few necessary items with you. These may include your phone, your ID, your room key, etc. Wearing the pocket tee ensures that regardless of what pants you choose to wear on the bottom (Nike shorts, for instance), you always have a place to put these things if your hands are full. 
• If you choose to use the pocket tee for your phone you won't miss any text messages that can go unnoticed in your back pocket. This can prevent many serious relationship problems and will ensure that you don't miss out on any fun.
• Again on phones, you will eliminate that constant confusion over where you put your phone when you are driving. You don't want to leave it in your pocket because it will be hard to retrieve when driving and you can't put it in the cup holders because they are holding beverages.
• They can look dressy casual or casual casual depending on how you choose to work it. For instance, when paired with a nice pair of shorts and Sperry boat shoes you are dressed to impress. However, if you work the Nike shorts and Chacos you are just as fashionable as you are comfortable.

Cons:

• None

LOTW 4/10

This week's lingo: "Girlfriend."

I understand that girlfriend usually is the term to describe a girl who is in a relationship, she's someone's girlfriend. However, I also see the word as important when describing a group of girls who are friends, they are girlfriends. There are a number of circumstances when the term girlfriend can easily flow in a conversation that everyone may not be aware of. 

Example: You are in the busy dining hall of a huge university during lunch with some of your friends. In addition to eating and catching up, you love to people watch because you go to a pretty wild school with all kinds of interesting people. One girl in particular is wearing the wildest outfit you have ever seen and chooses to communicate via yelling and making eccentric monkey noises rather than speaking at an acceptable volume with those at her table. Annoyed, you lean to your friends and say, "Girlfriend needs to quiet down."

Why it works: Using the word girlfriend in this circumstance is useful because clearly your friend will understand who you are talking about based on the rest of your exclamation but you are also keeping her anonymous by not coming up with some ridiculous, rude way to describe her. Girlfriend is a term of endearment and from what I have learned about correcting someone's behavior is that it is always nice to compliment them first. 

Example: You are at a friend's house with one of your female friends that has never met the hosting friend. The three of you are chattin it up, conversing about your lives, and getting to know each other. You have an interesting fact to share with your hosting friend about your other friend, and since you have already referred to her as her name and her multiple times, you switch it up by saying, "Girlfriend has three dogs and a cat."

Why it works: You have already used your friend's name and her multiple times so it's a good use of diction to switch it up by adding new words to the conversation. No one enjoys an unintelligent person who repeats the same word over and over when there are tons of appropriate synonyms. So vary your diction by inserting the word girlfriend every once in a while. 

Love ya, Roomes!

In light of an upcoming semester, and those inevitable new roommate situations that come along with new dorms and apartments, I thought I would share the knowledge I've gleaned over these past four semesters and summer. I hope that by reading this entry everyones' uneasy feelings, questions, and overall awkwardness will simply vanish and be replaced by excitement and love for the person with whom you share a room. So without further ado...

• It's vital that you wear pants at all times. If you are a normal person who likes to lounge in comfort, this will be against your human nature, however, it's in your best interest. For instance, you never know when your roommate is going to bring over his or her entire family unannounced while you are laying pantless in bed. If you were wearing pants, you would naturally be able to get out of bed and converse, thus diminishing the "laziest-person-ever" image that you are portraying effortlessly.
• Communication is key, especially when it comes to decorating. For instance, if you come up with the absolutely brilliant idea to hang an elephant mural on the entire wall that y'all have agreed is yours to decorate, you may want to ask first. Without this simple conversation, you run the risk of your roommate putting up some liberal homemade hippy poster as a counteract.
• If you have a celebrity crush, preferably Justin Bieber, or some other small precious tween celeb, it's important for y'all's relationship to plaster your room with his posters etc. Placing one in the bathroom is absolutely vital, it will freak your visitors out and give y'all something to laugh about. 
• When going out on the town, aka cheap places like Freebirds and Orange Cup, it's important that between the two of you the manager, or another full time employee has a crush on at least one of you. This will guarantee free chips and queso with your meal or maybe some extra strawberries and yogurt chips on your froyo. Though those around you may come to the conclusion that y'all are actually dating these employees, you and your roommate know the truth and that will be something special y'all can laugh and joke about forever.
• It's always nice to know when to expect your roommate back if you are chillin' in the room by yourself. A good way to do this is if you and your roommate post your daily schedules somewhere like the door, so if one of y'all is curious as to the other's whereabouts, you can simply look at the schedule rather than run the risk of texting them and embarrassing them when their phone goes off in class. When y'all are both in the room and you are about the leave your roommate may ask, "where are you going?" Of course, you are thinking "class, the same place I've been going at this exact time for the past three months." But rather than make a snarky comment, you can simply say "check the schedule." 
• If this paper schedule just isn't meeting your needs, you should both invest in Foursquare, a free Iphone application. In this case, your phone will be constantly bombarded with the location of your roommate to the point where you may feel like a stalker or a cop, but at least you will know where they are, when they might be back, etc. 

I hope these few pieces of advice help you in your transition from room to room, roommate to roommate. 

LOTW 4/3

This week's lingo: "If there's one thing I love..."

Example: You are spending your weekend at your summer camp. The camp has just hired a new chef, no not a new cook, a chef. For lunch, he serves, among other things, sweet potato fries and chocolate cake. You run to the line, get your plate piled high, and begin devouring these delicious dishes. With your mouth half full, you look up at your girlfriends and proudly declare, "If there's one thing I love, it's sweet potato fries and chocolate cake!"

Why it works: Though you may believe that you sound stupid for saying the one thing you love is really two things, placing this importance, the importance of being the number one thing in your life, is perhaps the best way to describe to others just how much you love these foods. In short, this phrase is absolutely perfect when attempting to express the value something has in your life, no matter how many things you describe.

Example: You are chillin' with your guy friends, using your typical lingo and they are making fun of you like they do on the reg. Annoyed beyond belief, you sassily say, "If there is one thing I love, it's when you make fun of me."

Why it works: This sassy comment will really catch any bully off guard. They will immediately shift all of their attention from coming up with their typical jerky comments to internally debating whether or not you are serious. This immediately shifts the entire focus of the conversation and makes your perpetrator look dumb.

LOTW 3/27

This week's lingo: "Typical!"

Typically the word typical isn't used on the reg. I mean, you may use it to describe your daily routine etc. in a random instance, but don't otherwise have a reason constantly use it. However, I would argue that the word typical is absolutely appropriate in most situations. Though I can't exactly explain why, I will provide you with some examples and hope that it becomes clear.

Example: You go to the hottest party of the year and end up losing your ID, additionally, you lose track of your friends, accidentally scrape your arm and realize you aren't wearing contacts so you can't really tell who anyone is. You retell the story of your epic fail of an evening to a close friend: "It was the worst night of my life, typical!"

Why this works: If your goal in telling that story was self-pity, the addition of typical will only further secure the patheticness of your evening because it implies that you have the worst night of your life on the reg and they only get worse. In short, the addition of typical in certain situations can secure all the pity you will ever need from your friends.

Example: You are on a mission to secure the necessary signatures from your evil professors to withdrawal from the hardest class you have ever taken in your life, and unfortunately this form is due today. Needless to say you are quite distracted and walking rather quickly, perhaps too quickly to notice the vast amount of concrete stairs that lay before you. In short, you wipe out on them, just missing the devastating effects of a scraped knee. You look around for any witnesses, desperately hoping that there aren't any. There was and he asks you if you are ok, you smile and say "Oh Typical!"
Why it works: This use of typical will lead your fellow conversationalists to believe that you are clumsy all the time and therefore used to wiping out in public places. They may even commend you for your ability to not become embarrassed in the most embarrassing of situations. Without your inclusion of typical they would likely be overly concerned and try to care for you when you don't have time to be cared for because in reality all you need to do is secure those signatures!

Example: You meet someone new. Within minutes of meeting they let you know about their skills with the popular IPhone game, Words With Friends and guarantee that they can beat you. You accept their challenge, "You're challenging me? Oh typical!" You proceed to beat them, not once, but multiple times. When they chat you angry things such as "I hate you!" "You scored HOW many points?" etc you can continue to respond "Typical" or some variation.
Why it works: The use of typical presents your opponent with an understated sense of confidence. You will seriously surprise them with you beat them, because they will have no idea what is coming as your original conversation only implied that you are often challenged, not often wrongly underestimated.