aeroposcool?

i remember those days and i am sure that you do too. begging your mother to drop you off at the mall so you could shop with your girlfriends for hours. you would browse through loads of tees in hollister and abercrombie, get smoothies at orange julius, pretend to be interested in shopping at sam goody, consider getting your hair straightened at the kiosks, and come home with way too many shopping bags full of the most useless things. now you go to the mall with a mission, or maybe not, but at least your purchases are worth while. gone are the days when your closet is full of forty different t-shirts that say some variation of the store name where you bought them, or better set say something that is supposed to be clever, like "she is as fake as her hair" or something. there is a new generation of these wild shoppers. yes, i have experienced them first hand. because this species is so new, they have not yet been named, but nevertheless, they are distinct creatures. generally college freshmen age, they are boys, usually sporting a justin bieber, cole/dylan sprouse haircut. they frequent the mall on friday evenings. their store of choice? aeropostale. personally, i was unaware that aeropostale sold clothes that were appropriate for the 18+ age group, but the excessively large population of these shoppers makes me wonder.

if we are being honest

i think octopuses are generally very under appreciated creatures. they are often chastised for their odd amount of appendages. i am sorry, these poor creatures have absolutely no control over their incredibly awkward bodies. however, before you point your finger and laugh at these often innocent but sometimes incredibly violent creatures you must first examine yourself. no, we do not have eight appendages, but four is still a lot. furthermore, we have fingers and toes. so let's do a little bit of math, um 4+10+10 is 24 and don't even get me started on ears and noses. who are we to judge when our awkward bodies consist of more than three times the amount of appendages as theirs. oh yeah, and your hands are basically deformed octopuses, i mean pentapuses. i mean they serve the same purpose. and we also have feet. can you please tell me what is not creepy about toes? especially when they are used to pick things up. i am sorry but octopuses at least have long, suctiony, elegent arms, not short little sausages to do their work. all i am asking is that the next time you point out the flaws of this creature, you first examine yourself before you make any rude or unfair claims.

ponies, arthur and ice cream

i dont know if you have a lot of friends, acquaintances, or people you would like to meet. regardless of where you stand, i know that a lot of people struggle with conversation topics within their first meeting with someone. i believe that there is one way to guarantee immediate friendship with anyone you choose to meet. yes you will meet someone, first you will hear their name, then possibly grade, school, where they are from. oh great ya, you are a business major too? so am i... i dont know about you but this is the most thrilling conversation i have ever heard. actually, no that was a lie. after you get the basics you are guaranteed awkwardness. however, i promise there is hope for these awkward little turtles. this strategy requires two parts. first you need some major prep. you need to examine deep inside yourself and determine what are your three favorite things? the following things don't count: family, friends, or girls/boys, or jesus, generally these things are implied. once this list is compiled, complete you ought to flesh it out with details as to why your three favorite things are giraffes, egg rolls, and water aerobics. now you are ready, once you have gone through the basics and they are expecting you to walk away because you have nothing else to say, you have to whip it out, "what are your three favorite things?" they will likely freak out and say i don't know. then you can pull the well i'm really into giraffes, egg rolls, and water aerobics card and they will have no choice but to think about it themselves. honestly though, i feel that most people subconsciously rank everything, at least they should because it makes prioritizing tasks way easier. for example, if you are aware of your love for egg rolls you will probably not have a hard time justifying eating at your favorite chinese restaurant when your alternative is spending the evening in the library studying for your biology midterm. you might fail, but at least you got to eat your second favorite thing. anyways, so you ask them, and then they get really awkward, maybe even more awkward than they were when you were just talking about hometowns and majors, but after some persistence they will start talking a mile a minute and reveal to you that as, perhaps as the captain of the lacrosse team, they are wild about my little pony, pbs' arthur, and strawberry ice cream. who knows if you have any opinion or conversation about these three things, but at least the next time you see them out you are welcome to approach them for a long talk about who their favorite colorful plastic toy pony is, because after all, you are awkward enough to remember that they are into those kinds of things.

oh hey! what's your spirit animal

i often hear of people making comparisons between someone's image and animals. for example if you are tall someone might say "oh ya she/he definitely embodies the character of a giraffe." this phenomenon usually is referred to as one's "spirit animal." however, i believe that for an animal to be someone's spirit animal, they must look alike. with this being said, i would argue that there is only one animal capable of fulfilling the role of someone's spirit animal. this animal is yes, a sloth. if you look at these beloved creatures, you can't help but see human faces. next time you see a puppy please explain how your best friend is a puppy because they do NOT resemble humans, they resemble puppies, because they are puppies. sloths on the other hand look like nothing. i mean they kind of look like aliens, but i guess aliens that resemble humans. this simple fact is though that this realization will ruin ice breaking activities for eternity. i mean how many times have you been at a function where you have to go around and say your name and your "spirit animal?" so basically it's going to be like "hey i am frank and i look most like a sloth," then "i am jessica and i guess i would have to say a sloth." and so on. can we please all just embrace our mutual spirit animal and become a little bit more creative when it comes to get to know you activities, honestly if these don't change all we will know is that we all look like the weirdest animals around.

oh ledy thyme fhor the rhusshan

svetlana khorkina

ok well ledy his prhitty shoor thet thuh vest majhoritee hof peephel har whanteeng to hev iccent. (ok well i am pretty sure that the vast majority of people want to have an accent). accents allow for a sense of exoticism in a person's personality. however, i am also aware that the vast majority of us don't have an accent, or if we do, it is something very common and boring. however, fortunately for all of us who don't have a natural accent, they are in some cases, fairly easy to reproduce. that is why i have created this easy guide to develop an accent and thus fulfill your dreams

1. you need to pick an accent you desire to have. keep in mind that the accent you use could trick people into thinking that you are actually from the location of origin. this is important because you need to gain knowledge of at least some aspect of that culture and you don't want to pick a place that is chastised for any reason because then you are just causing unnecessary problems for yourself. i suggest choosing an accent from a country that is very athletic for reasons i will explain.

2. now that you have picked your desired accent it is time to start studying. i believe the best way to learn an accent is to make sure your country is well represented in either the winter or summer olympic games.  first you will need to look at the olympic viewing schedule (i hope you are pursuing this during an olympic year) and set up as many vcrs/dvrs as possible to record any bio segment on an athlete for your desired country. for instance, if you are going after that russian accent, svetlana khorkina is a solid choice. once you have an arsenal of footage it is time to start watching these emotional and inspirational shorts over and over and over again until not only can you recite them by memory, but hopefully you have started thinking and speaking in the accent to the point where you can't even remember what your old voice or thoughts sounded like

3. now that you have the accent down, it is important that you create a believable story to tell. for example, if you are speaking in a russian voice no one is going to believe you if you are telling a story about living in south texas and working at a taqueria restaurant. they would however, believe a story about your involvement in gymnastics as a way to support your family and stay off the streets.

note: it is important not to use your accents in places where there is someone who is actually from the place of your accent's origin. this could result in two ways: first, they might seek a friendship with you based on your mutual background, something of which you do not have. or, they might be terribly offended. both of these situations can be extremely awkward and avoided if you posses the necessary accent street smarts.

an english lesson

william shakespeare

john milton

i think as Americans it is important that we are all aware of the origins of our English language. as you may or may not know, mr. william shakespeare holds the record for introducing the most new words into our vocabulary. mr. john milton ranks number two for this honorable title. i bet you are wondering who number three is, right? well i will not take credit for that. however, i feel obligated to educate my fellow americans about some phrases that are important to use when speaking like an educated, professional individual. 

first of all the phrase "what the hector" can be used to replace "what the heck" or that other phrase. i feel that this phrase is important in every situation except if you are near someone named hector, then there is just a lot of explaining that could be avoided by simply using a different phrase. 

the word "struggs" can be used when describing any situation in which someone was struggling to do any given task no matter how difficult or simple. when using this word it is vital to enunciate so it doesn't sound like you are accusing someone of being drugs, etc because you don't want to start any devastating rumor. in addition it is important for clarity reasons that you say "struggs" and not "strug" or someone might assume you are talking about the olympic gymnast kerri strugg. again, you would have some explaining to do.

the word "presh" is important to use when referring to something, cute, adorable, heartmelting, or simply precious. while some boys might be weirded out by your use of this word when referring to them, or anything related to them. it gives anything you are talking about the quality of a cute little puppy dog and is therefore worth every use.

in addition to these vocabulary gems, i recognize that in this day and age, time is certainly of the essence. this is why shortening words is vital to get through the day with enough time to go to class, work, and all of your other randie things. so next time you need something to eat i suggest you go to the kitch if you are at home, or the caf if you are at school. you should probs stick to texting because chatting on the phone def takes far too long. when at a memorable event be sure to take your cam and upload your pictures to your fb using your lap. if this is a stretch for you, i hope you will consider speaking in abbrevs as another solution to lengthy conversations.

be old AND hip

i feel that it is important to keep the future in mind as a means of planning the present. however, i realized today after a run in with a very old man at walgreens. this part of the future freaks me out. i have decided though that being a senior citizen has its perks. the most major awesome part about being old, a grandparent in particular, is that this is the only time in your life where you can make the decision about your name. when you are a baby your parents pick whatever random name they come up with, but now you have the power to choose your own destiny by picking what your wild little grandchildren will call you. i am under the impression that this choice is very vital in determining what your relationship with these kids will be like, as it sets the tone for your grandparenting style. for instance, if you expect your grandchildren to refer to you as grandmother, i gather that you will be a very unfun grandparent, i mean not necessarily the ones they will be begging their parents to have over. on the other hand, the grandmother name "mamabear" suggests that you are probably down to play wii and go swimming and play legos and color and all those great things. considering how long people are living these days, your time as a grandparent is likely to be very lengthy and that is why it is important to start thinking about your senior citizen identity NOW.

protect your car's reputation

first of all i am aware that my last post was about one of my annoyances with car decorations, but this is necessary. i am honestly confused as to why in the past few days i have seen at least 10 different cars with fuzzy dice hanging off the rear view mirror. i feel that generally one uses their car as a statement. if you are driving a sports car you clearly want attention etc etc. even more personalized are the decorations inside your car. so please tell me why ANYONE would have fuzzy dice in their car? perhaps they were hard-pressed for cash after buying their escalade (yes i have seen fuzzy dice in an escalade) so they ran to family dollar to pick up some decorations. or even better, they gave their child a few dollars to win some at the arcade. i understand that most people, myself included love their cars, to the point where they have names and personalities and the driver might die without the car. so my question is this, why would you subject your beloved car to these heinous accessories. i mean, you would tell your friend if their outfit sucked before yall went out, so why would you allow your car to go out with perhaps the tackiest and most meaningless decoration ever. please, do it for your car, take down those awful accessories, they aren't doing good for anyone.

how to get a hot date

So i don't know about everyone else, but when I see SUVs, or any car for that matter driving around with those stupid family member stickers on the back, I generally want to gag. If you don't know what I am talking about, please view the picture above. First of all, why does everyone on the highway need to know the age, name, and hobbies of everyone in your family? That is not going to make me anymore apologetic when you make some stupid traffic move. Furthermore, it's not like you are the only family with a son who plays soccer and a daughter who does ballet, or any other combination of child and activity for that matter. So what I am proposing is that we use these normally useless stickers for a worthwhile cause. And what is that cause you may ask? Clearly getting a hot date. How might we do this you might ask? Well I am proposing that all those single ladies (or I suppose single guys too) put their respective sticker on the back of their car. This is like asking for someone to call you up so that eventually your sticker won't look so bad by itself. This may sound absolutely ridiculous, but not nearly as ridiculous as the thousands of SUVs driving wild advertising what? That they have children? Let's please band together and give these stickers a purpose!

joseph? you mean bulldozer

i hope all of you have been blessed enough to be called something other than the long, traditional, possibly boring name that your parents gave you (don't worry mom, i love my name!). and no i am not talking going by joe when your name is joseph. your parents probably call you joe, ya? i am talking when your name is alexandra and your girlfriend calls you burrito or something like that. basically it's super important to have these names or how do you know that you have friends. like if everyone calls you fredrick you clearly haven't had any bonding moments with anyone, or maybe you just don't laugh. nicknames are like facebook friends, you don't want only your mom to be your friend ya? basically the more you have the cooler you are.

on the other hand, while it is important to have many nicknames, naming people is just as exciting. i mean it is better to give than to recieve. so i have prepared some guidelines for naming the people you hang out with, or rather some ideas.
1. the animal that they look like, except that would just be a sloth, so if you have a friend that maybe is slow, sloth is a solid name
2. if their name sounds like a phrase you should just call them that phrase. like if their name is paul night you could call them all night. this one is very annoying because if it's a phrase that you use on a regular basis they might get annoyed because they don't know if you are referring to them or the phrase. overall i believe it is worth it to confuse them.
3. you could also use the method that i call "6 degrees of separation." this can be complicated so please pay attention. so your friend is named thomas, so naturally you call them tom. but then you are into the double name so you move to tom tom and then to initials, so that makes t.t. and then teets. because that is what everyone wants to be called.
4. or you could say their name with a lisp, this is solid. like sam is tham.
5. maybe you could call them by the randomest thing ever and justify it. like crayon for katrina.

also, nicknames are important for determining who your real friends and your wanna be friends are. i mean if someone calls you crayon and they only know about that because they heard your best friend calling you that, they are clearly a wanna be.

i really hope this is helpful in your life.