GYT!

I know that science has allowed for people to perform many genetic tests before procreating. While I am not sure on the statistics, I would gather that this may have allowed for some healthier, happier babies, but please do not quote me on this. However, this is a relatively new scientific breakthrough, that is, my generation was not genetically screened. I know this because if my parents had gone through a genetic screening I would not be suffering like I am right now. You might be uncomfortable right now, thinking, wow, what kind of emo blog did this just become? But I am very passionate about this topic, so please hear me out, no matter how uncomfortable you may feel. I am talking about a condition that both of my sisters and I suffer from. As a word of caution, I beg you, please don't offer us any of the treats pictured here:

You are probably confused now, so instead of keeping you on the edge of your seat any longer, I will simply share our story so hopefully it will help you when you decide to have children. My dad suffers from the same rare condition, a condition so rare, professionals haven't yet come up with a name for it. It's a disorder where one breaks out with perspiration when consuming any food that could be described as sour or spicy in the forehead or high-cheek regions or their face. Some may think this is the most embarrassing condition to face, and before I was aware of its genetic origins, I was. Now, however, I feel that it is my duty to speak about this phenomenon and educate the public about genetic testing so that their children will not suffer as my family and I do. 

Hold It!

With the vast, intricate highway system in the United States, chances are you have probably been on at least one road trip. Whether it was from Denver, CO to the border of Wyoming to pick up some fireworks, or from Los Angeles, CA to New York City just to say you did it, you have definitely spent at least a few extended periods of time in the car. When you drive long distances, not only are you bound to get bored of the playlist, possibly enjoy some of the scenery, have some interesting conversations if you are with company, or thoughts if you are alone, eat a lot of food, or be especially hungry if none is available, but at some point, you are also going to have to use the restroom. Generally, your body doesn't agree with your location, that is, it's urgent either in the middle of nowhere, or if you are lucky, in somewhere random like Summertown, GA. Fortunately for you, if you are in the population 400 town, there is at least the possibility of some type of business with a public restroom, unfortunately, this breed of bathroom usually follows a very uncivilized pattern. One may notice bizarre decorations, including wallpaper, most likely peeling, odd paintings of cowboys, animals, and foliage that look as if they were purchased at Goodwill, or a variety of fake plants. The floor could be a variety of materials ranging from cracked tile to the cheapest grade of linoleum available at the local Ace hardware. Please don't even get me started on the state of the toilet itself, because there isn't a chance that it's even remotely sanitary. The availability of toilet paper, soap, and paper towels is always seriously lacking. In fact, you may have to search for evidence of a dispenser for any of these items. Simply put, the state of the restroom is clearly not the top priority for this establishment. However, after you use the facilities, you realize that you are in fact starving. You pick up your Pringles, Diet Coke, and Sprees, only to find the rest of the store in equally as pathetic shape as the restroom. This sparks your curiosity, what on earth is this Quickmark spending their funds on? Real estate is clearly not at a prime out here in the middle of nowhere, there is no competition for them to blow their advertising budget, in fact, they have a monopoly on nearly every junk food product within a 100 mile radius. Why is it that they cannot afford to clean their bathroom, stock their toilet paper, glue their wallpaper back onto the walls, and appear at least half presentable? This question is far too much of a mystery for solving at a quick rest stop when you need to get down to Miami, so you march yourself back to the less-than-impressive supply section, pick up a bottle of knock off Windex and leave it in the bathroom after buying your merchandise, in hopes that your gesture will at least give the high schooler behind the counter the idea that you don't like living in barn-like conditions and it concerns you that they don't mind it. And while you feel accomplished for that small act, thus begins the cycle until you hit Lawtey, Florida. 

Shazam Yourself!

Chances are, you are in involved in close to a million times and your mind is going a mile a minute. Between class, social life, extra-curricular activities, and the random things that go on in your daily life, there is no way you can keep track of everything with a simple day planner. If you are like most people with a smart phone you have some app capable of listening to songs and feeding its title, artist and album back to you within seconds. Not only is this program helpful when you don't know the name of the song that's been stuck in your head for weeks, but also as a reminder to download that song you've been singing for weeks when you're next online. While this is helpful for music, it doesn't serve any other purpose really. However, how awesome would that be if we could Shazam our thoughts. How often do you think of something really witty but are in the complete wrong context to say it so you say to yourself "please oh please remember this for (insert future situation here)" then within seconds, minutes, hours, days you forget what you thought was the funniest, most unforgettable thought. However, with this app, when you are thinking of something really clever or funny and know that it would really be useful later on if only you could remember it, you would simply Shazam it. Then when you were in the situation you could pull it up on your list of Shazamed tags, get the laughs, and be the life of the party.

Fold or Be Folded

Laundry is one of those things that everyone has but some people dislike so much they expend far too much effort finding someone else to do it for them. However, laundry ought to be viewed as an activity to be enjoyed by all rather than as a chore. This venture has a little something for people of all interests. For those artistically inclined, there is the element of color. Before the laundry can even be washed, one must, or rather gets to, sort it into lights, darks, and colors. Determining which article of clothing goes into which pile allows one to express these gifts. Furthermore, for those with a predisposition to flavor and scent, there is the job of shopping for laundry detergent and fabric softener. One could spent at least three hours at the laundry aisle of HEB plus! picking the perfect laundry scent combination if they so desired. Finally, if one does their laundry at home, they have the option of choosing which washer and dryer to purchase at Sears. Because technology has already so graciously provided us with the iPad, 3D television, and DVR, we clearly need touch-screen, 40-pair-of-jeans-per-load, bright orange-to-go-with-your-decor, front loading washers, and the dryers to match because we can't think of anything else to invent. These gems are quite the joy to wash your clothes in, however, laundromats, your neighbors house, and your college dormitory are an adventure in and of themselves, which should equally be enjoyed.  So you have your piles, your supplies, and your machines picked out and you start your load. Now that your clothes are in the washer, you have about 30 minutes to do nothing but wait. However, that is why we have Netflix and Hulu; 30 minutes is the perfect amount of time for you to catch up on what ever show you missed out on when you were wearing the clothes you are now watching. After you watch this week's episode of Glee, your laundry is conveniently ready to be dried. While drying generally takes about an hour, it's usually more enjoyable to wait for because it allows you the ideal window of time to rest your tired mind and take a wonderful nap. At the end of your nap you will be allowed the joy of covering yourself in cozy warm clothes before embarking on the best leg of the laundry journey- FOLDING! While there is an art to folding and everyone likes their laundry folded and stored a little differently, folding not only helps keep your clothes in good shape but has the ability to provide one with a very peaceful experience. Perhaps it is the fact that it is a very easy to accomplish task, or maybe that it's a relaxing motion. Whatever it is, the process of folding has almost spa-like qualities, all while accomplishing what some may see as a monotonous chore. Furthermore, it is very important to practice folding, especially in this downtrodden economy, because you never know when you are going to be laid off from your six figure executive position and forced to fold your life away in t-shirts at baby Abercrombie.

Spice Up Your Life!

I am not sure whether or not you are familiar with the three season hit Veronica Mars, but there is definitely an important lesson to learn from the show. No, it doesn't have anything to do with dating the most popular boy in the school but being dumped by him and then having your best friend, who just happens to be his sister be suspiciously murdered and then endure your father, the sheriff accuse your ex boyfriend's father of murdering your best friend and then becoming the least popular girl in school before your mother runs out on your family. Rather, Veronica has a nasty habit of narrating her life to herself, granted this may simply be a product of the television show, but it certainly makes her life a million times more interesting. Just think about it... how much more interesting would your life be if you were the lead in the TV show of your own life. So you are invited to dinner with the boy you have be eyeing and after the conversation, ends you say about your situation, "Isn't it weird how someone can ignore you in class and then potentially be the love of your life?" Yes, I am very much aware that this is very obsessive, overreactive, and dramatic, however, all of this is key to a successful life narration. In fact, narrating your life will help prepare you in case you are ever interviewed for the news if you rescue a kitten, witness a crime, or find a picture of Jesus in your breakfast taco. 

money money money

I have a proposal. Unfortunately, I first need to acknowledge the unlikelihood of this happening. How often do you buy a pack of gum, a Red Bull, a number 5 at Taco Cabana and you get what in exchange? Change! Then what do you do with it? You through it in your pocket, purse, your junk cup in your car. Then it adds up and you use it to buy a bag of Cheetos in a vending machine. Then your stomach grows. Welcome to the flaw of the american government. That is change. We would do well to rid ourselves of change. My proposal? Lose the change and start dispensing silly bands instead. I am not sure if you are a currently silly band wearer, but if you are not you should definitely invest. The great thing about this trend is that they are cheap, cute, and tradable. in fact, the more you have, the cooler you are. Unless it becomes obvious that you bought the ones you are wearing and weren't given them. However, if the government got with the program and made them money, they wouldn't only be a symbol of popularity, but also a symbol of status and riches. So basically the more purple monkeys and orange high heals you have, the more distinguished you are in society. while people would be able to continue trading silly bands as if they carried no monetary value, for instance, a pink penguin would be a fair trade for a teal cowboy hat, individual silly bands would carry value and could be traded in at local shopping venues for merchandise. So the next time you are craving those Sour Cream and Onion Lays, a Dr Pepper., or need to catch up on your gossip from US Weekly, you simply need to drive to your local convenience store and empty your wrist on the counter.

ice first coffee second

there is a phenomenon that is sweeping the nation as the semester gets busier and busier. yes, i am talking about an increase in the consumption of coffee. while some choose the traditional hot coffee, others choose the shots of expresso, the cappuccino, the latte. i understand the need for caffeine. however, while it's perfectly respectable to drink your coffee however you like it, there is one way in which you must be particularly careful. i'm talking iced coffee. usually when one serves a glass of water, they get the ice from the dispenser and then the water second, as not to splash themselves or those standing around them. the same goes for gatorade, lemonade, tea, coke. this seems to be an almost natural habit, one of out respect and common sense. nevertheless, when it comes to iced coffee people become children and forget the natural order of ice then liquid. rather, they make a huge deal of filling their cup almost full of coffee and during prime ice machine times, proceed to fill their cup thus sloshing and slashing their creamy coffee all over the counter, themselves, and innocent bystanders. unfortunately the lure of the coffee makes them oblivious to their utter lack of manners and they walk away happily downing their drink. so i am urging you, as you "need" your caffeine fix within these next few weeks, please take a few moments to follow your instincts!

learn your lingo

i have recently become aware that some very vital vocabulary words were missing from my english lesson post. while i am terribly sorry, i am taking this opportunity to share these words.
the first and perhaps most important is the word sensie. while often confused mistaken for the root of the word sensitive, it acts in the english language as both an adjective and a noun. for instance "don't be such a sensie, we all knew you and your girlfriend weren't going to last," or "wow he was really sensie went he failed that test." this word is used to describe overly sensitive or emotional boys. a prime example of a sensie, actually probably the most sensie person ever is the character of Duke Orsino in the 2006 blockbuster, she's the man. while it would require days of blogging for me to accurately explain the degree of his sensie-ness, i hope that you will please watch the film for yourself.
in addition, the phrase "i am breaking up with you as a _______"is important when expressing frustration or anger. for instance, your friend forgets to pick you up some tacos at taco c, and while you are not really mad at them, you are in a temporary state of heightened anger and need to let them know. so you tell them that you are breaking up with them as a friend. this phrase parallels a romantic relationship. however, it is well known that these days many people in romantic relationships break up and get back together on an almost constant basis so this phrase is playing on that concept. one can fill in that blank with any relational word, including cousin, sister, etc. just make sure that you don't say "i am breaking up with you as a granddaughter" when your grandma forgets it's your birthday because that might be seriously offensive.
finally, it is important that one speaks in initials. the phrase "NBD" means "no big deal." other vital phrases include "DJM" and "IJY." which mean "don't judge me," and "i'm judging you" respectively. please take the time to learn your lingo as it is imperative for a successful life of communication.