LOTW 5/29

This week's lingo: "Janky"

I recently realized that while I have used this lingo in many posts, I have failed to discuss the linguistic uses of this all encompassing term. Additionally, there are numerous opportunities for creating different versions of this ultra-useful term.

Synonyms: inferior, of poor quality, bad, gross, lame, dirty, old, worthless, useless, questionable, strange, wrong.

It can be used to describe people, places, and things...


Example: You desperately need to get your oil changed. You specifically search out the nearest, least ghetto Jiffy Lube. Because you know nothing about getting your oil changed or cars in general, you ask your guy friend to go with you. Unfortunately, he is busy so you have to go alone. Upon your arrival, you tell the person in charge that you need an oil change, give him your keys, and go sit inside to study for your upcoming Spanish exam. 20 minutes later, the person you talked to comes in and asks you what you want done to your car, confused, you tell him exactly what you told him before but proceed to ask him questions, because like I said, you don't know anything about anything. One of your main concerns is increasing the miles per gallon on your car. Unfortunately, you learn that getting your oil changed won't improve that, but getting a new fuel filter will. As these are usually rather expensive, the person working on your car offers to give you one for free, but there is a catch. Apparently, one of his workers is struggling in the lady department and needs practice flirting, so for the small price of flirting with him, you can save lots of money at the tank. Needless to say, this is the JANKIEST situation you have ever been in. You are immediately super upset at your guy friend that was supposed to come with you, so you text him about how janky your life is in that moment. In the end you end up getting it for free, but the guy is too scared to even talk to you, talk about janky!

Example: You are shopping at Forever 21 with your girlfriends and you find an amazing dress that you absolutely love. You go to try it on and realize the zipper is jammed. Your friend asks to see the dress. You call back, "I would, too bad the zipper is super janky"

Example: You are working out at what you thought was a rather respectable athletic club. While using the elliptical, you look over to the weight machines and see one of your fellow athletic club members working out in his scrubs and crocs. Absolutely appalled at his lack of preparation for his workout you immediately tweet, "Hey sir, are you getting an adequate workout in those scrubs and crocs... What's up Janky!"

Acceptable versions of janky:
Jank city
Janky mcskanky
MLIJ(My Life Is Jank)
Jank
Jankfest
Jankster
Jankaholic
Sir Jank-a-lot

More Like Scrub Out

We have all seen them: professionals in scrubs. Yes, surgeons don this comfortable uniform, what some may consider glorified pajamas, but dentists, nurses, physical therapists, random technicians, and receptionists also choose these over other outfits. I understand that when one works in a situation where they risk getting bodily fluids are all over them, scrubs are a perfectly acceptable outfit. The wearer wouldn't be concerned about ruining their "professional outfit," as they probably have a gazillion other pairs of scrubs and they can easily be thrown in the wash. However, I am seriously confused as to why the person who simply answers the phone and schedules appointments for your orthodontist feels the need to wear this outfit? Are they worried someone is going to spontaneously barf or bleed all over them? Or perhaps they just want to look like surgeons when they go on their lunch break in their scrubs. However, if they would take a break from answering their phones and watched just one episode of Grey's Anatomy, they would realize these surgeons don't even wear their scrubs out and about, but rather change out of their scrubs before they leave the hospital. This all goes back to the fact that doctors have a use for scrubs, to wear and get dirty instead of their real clothes. It would be disgusting if they wore their dirty scrubs to Forever 21 randomly after work (which apparently is the outfit to wear at this particular store on random week nights). Plus, if you are shopping for clothes, why don't you wear those to work instead of scrubs, they are bound to be more flattering and professional looking than the kangaroo or flower patterns you picked up at Walmart when you went grocery shopping last week. Those whose jobs don't require scrubs should follow in Meredith Grey's footsteps and realize that by wearing their "uniform" out and about they are admitting to having more skills with a telephone than with a scalpel.

LOTW 5/8

This week's lingo: "NGL*"

*An acronym for the phrase, "not gonna lie."

Example: Your friend has been encouraging you to watch their favorite television show for a while, but with finals and your addiction to a different television show, you simply haven't found the time... until now. After watching just one episode, you are completely hooked, and proceed to watch the next six episodes in a single sitting. So excited about this show, you text your friend, "NGL, I'm officially addicted to (insert name of show here)."

Why it works: The use of NGL in this particular situation indicates that you are so excited about this television show you don't have to lie or exaggerate about not only your excitement, but also your level of excitement because both will make your friend feel good about encouraging you to check it out.

Example: You and your friends have spent the entire day in Club Libs studying for your finals and are ready to kick back for a little bit before going to sleep. However, once you trek all the way back to your dorm, you realize you are completely starved. You manage to find 85 cents in your backpack, enough to score you a bag of chips from the vending machine. You have the option of choosing the rather boring, but safe original Lays potato chips or an off brand of Ragin' Ranch rippled potato chips, which you ultimately end up choosing. Unfortunately, you don't notice the part of the bag that says the chips have a "kick" before you purchase them. When you finally open the bag and try the chips, your mouth is absolutely on fire and you freak out because quite frankly, you are a child and hate things with "adventurous" tastes. You scream and say, "NGL- those are the spiciest chips I have ever eaten!" before gulping whatever drink is nearby.

Why is works: NGL is necessary for two reasons in this particular circumstance. First, because of the reaction going on in your mouth, you are certainly pressed for time. Consuming something that will calm down the spiciness is your top priority, so you don't have enough time to spit out the entire phrase "not gonna lie." The concise nature of NGL makes it essential for this situation. Furthermore, NGL is helpful in relaying to your friends that you are in a lot of pain, because once again, you don't need to lie or exaggerate in this situation because you are telling the truth. This will help your friends help you :)

Dream Job pt. 2

As you may recall in my "The Job of Your Dreams" entry, I came to the conclusion that the best job ever would be to be that person that writes product descriptions for Sky Mall. However, I have since come up with an easier, better job than that....

I definitely now aspire to be on the cast of MTV's not-so-hit afternoon game show "Silent Library." If you are unaware of what the show is, I suggest you watch on episode on the channel's website. Basically the show has six contestants, usually a group of guy friends, who complete ridiculous tasks in a "library." This sounds simple enough, but while one person is completing the task, his friends must remain as silent as possible, or they risk losing the prize money awarded for that task. To make the show more realistic, the producers decided to hire a cast of "library-goers." These actors simply sit around on the set, looking rather ordinary, reading books. When the contestants are too loud, the camera pans to these actors who obviously make a very annoyed face.

Who knows how much these people get paid, but honestly, who wouldn't want to get paid to wear Goodwill looking clothes and make annoyed faces?! You could probably actually catch up on your reading during the filming of this show and no one knows your name, so you have no reason to be embarrassed. If you are worried about struggling in school, failing your finals, or finding a job after graduation, I definitely suggest saving your money, dropping out of school now, and filling out an application for this dream job.

So you're done with finals...

Sometimes during finals you luck out. Your professors turn out to be super lazy and test you on the last day of class, or maybe they ask for a poster or paper instead because they don't want to stay into May. Whatever the case, you may be done, but obvs don't want to leave campus before your friends because you won't see them all summer. Your friends will be busy but it's still worth it to stay if there are opportunities for you to see your friends. I have graciously compiled a list of five things you can do if you are in this somewhat boring situation.

1. Watch cool National Geographic shows. I know every time you go onto Netflix you are extremely tempted to watch the ridiculous documentaries. Lucky for you, they are only about 40 minutes long usually so you can watch at least 10 of them while you're waiting for your friends to get out of the libs. I would definitely suggest Shark Superhighway and Supercroc. If you want to hang out with your friends while they are struggling to learn their accounting or Spanish, you should just bring your laptop and watch them in the libs. If anyone asks what on earth you are doing, you can simply say you are using it as a source for your paper :)

2. In some parts of the United States, squirrels aren't scampering around everywhere. However, you might be fortunate enough to live on a campus where they do. During the school year you don't have time to watch these awesome little animals play, but when there's nothing better to do, I definitely suggest you walk a little bit slower.

3. The libs is a great place even if you have nothing to do. You can see your friends, stalk people on Facebook, catch up on your television shows, read an awesome children's book, get a smoothie, write a blog, look at magazines, and color in your coloring book, among other things.

4. If you are usually concerned about there not being lounge chairs available at the pool, there definitely will be some during finals. In fact, you will probably be the only person there. If you are self-conscious about your lack of swimming abilities, this is the perfect time to go. However, if you enjoy being social, chances are you won't run into anybody at the pool.

5. Definitely take the time to enjoy the outdoors by going to a local playground to swing on the swing set. It's often difficult to pull your friends away from their studies to do such an activity, but it's imperative that you convince them it's a good study break so you don't have to go by yourself.

*If you find yourself repeating any of these activities, or even completing this list, I suggest that you suck it up and go home. You obviously aren't living up your last few days of college and any of these things can be done basically anywhere you are, whether you are at a university or not. Use the time you are wasting to pack up your stuff, say your goodbyes, and look forward to what is hopefully an exciting summer and next semester.

LOTW 5/1

This week's lingo: "The Yuge*"

*This term is similar to the phrases "on the reg" and "typical" as discussed in earlier entries, however, once again, its uses are different than those of the previously mentioned phrases and I hope you will understand as you read further.


Example: You and your roommate are chatting about your lives. She's been pretty busy lately and you've been hanging out lately. It's a rare occasion that y'all are even in the same place at the same time, but you decide to go to bed early because you are completely tired. Your roommate asks you why you are turning out the lights at 10:30, you respond, "I have nothing better to do, ya know, the yuge!"

Example: You give your number to a boy that you are interested in. He has held off on contacting you for a few days, but when he finally does, all he's interested in is mooching off your meal plan because he is out. Frustrated, you text your bff and tell her, "So-and-so finally texted me, he wants me to buy him lunch, ya know, the yuge!"

Why it works: In these instance, the yuge is being used not only to indicate a pattern, but also adds a somewhat sad, pathetic tone to your statement. The use of the yuge implies the idea that when something less than desirable happens to you, you aren't at all surprised simply because of the frequency with which these things happen. Additionally, it supplies a sense of regularity to stories or events in your life; it provides a feeling of routine, even if it is something bad.