The Most Wonderful Time Of Year

It's the most wonderful time of the year. You probably think I'm crazy. In fact, I'm surprised you even have time to read this between buying your books and moving into your dorm and buying new clothes and getting your parking permit and ID card and meal plan all worked out. No, I'm not crazy and no, I don't love being busy, in fact, I hate it. But second to Christmas, back-to-school is my favorite time of the year. Ever since I was but a small first grader, I have loved not the physical act of going back to school and hearing teachers talk about why all of the other classes aren't worth our time but theirs is etc. etc., but the act of preparing to do so. Yes, I'm talking about those Target runs when you walk around for what seems like forever picking out which notebooks are the most ideal given the particular schedule you have this semester and which highlighters are going to show off the most important information the best. Unfortunately this errand isn't as exciting or as monumental in college as it was in elementary school when you got your "4th Grade School Supplies" list in the mail and then you would beg and plead (or at least I would) with your mom for the entire month of July for her to take you school supply shopping until lo and behold, the first week (or second or third) week of August she finally takes you. When you finally made it to the store of course, it was always a debate of what was actually necessary to purchase from the list, "do we really need Elmer's glue?" and which items that weren't on the list were necessary, "isn't last year's pink and purple spacemaker cool enough or are pencil pouches going to be in this year?" Then there was picking out which colors of notebooks and folders you want. Trust me, this can take time. For instance, you can pick out all six notebooks, perhaps deciding that you are going to color code them based on class, but then realize that they are out of certain colors of folders, thus throwing off your color-coordination. And once you have the more basic supplies picked out, you've got to work out those big purchases. There's always the question of how often is it appropriate to purchase a new backpack. If you choose to buy one every year for instances, chances are, you will find yourself in college with a collection of 5 pink Jansport backpacks, one zebra Jansport backpack, a few miscellaneous L.L. Bean backpacks from years you really planned ahead and ordered them and another random backpack that you got for free that's better than all of the other ones. If you're eight you usually have to worry about buying a lunchbox, too. 


I honestly can't say exactly why I love all of this crazy planning and picking and purchasing, perhaps it's just the predictability before the complete mess of unpredictability that comes with each new year.

A Story

In a far off land called Campache Caperche, there lived an old maid named Bertha. Bertha was married to an even older man named Clyde and together they worked the land for a powerful man named Mr. D. Clyde was responsible for maintaining healthy, green pastures, which he did with the help of his trusty steed, Gus. Though Bertha had various responsibilities of her own, she often appeared unoccupied, bored and sad. Perhaps this was because of Clyde's intense bond with his horse. It was a rare sight to see Bertha and Clyde together because Clyde was always riding Gus out in the fields. As the days passed, Bertha grew sadder and sadder. She could almost see Clyde's love for her vanishing before her eyes as he spent more and more time with Gus. Bertha tried everything to regain Clyde's love; she lost weight and she bought beautiful color corresponding outfits, but nothing worked.

One day, years after Bertha had lost all hope, something changed. The owner of the land hired a new worker, Jethro, to prepare delicious dishes for the visitors. The young chef was a breath of fresh air for Bertha's broken heart. Though Bertha was responsible for deciding who was allowed to set foot on the land, she began neglecting her duties in order to flirt with the ever so youthful Jethro. Three times a day, she invited herself into the cooking chambers, hoping that by flirtaciously preparing eggs, she would successfully catch Jethro's eye.

The tables had turned. Bertha who once spent her days longing after her bored, oblivious husband had moved on to the fresh, younger meat, but Clyde was beginning to notice. Suddenly, there was a void in his heart that only Bertha's love could fill, and as much time as he spent riding Gus, this void was growing larger and larger. Meanwhile, Bertha continued to throw herself at Jethro. What started out as innocent secretive flirting soon became blatantly obvious attempts to hook up with Jethro. The unknowing onlooker would think Bertha was a single woman going after a single man. To throw another twist into the situation, Jethro eventually revealed that he was betrothed to a young, beautiful woman named Sasha. Not only was Sasha the prettiest maiden in all the land, but she was also nice and made the most delicious desserts known to man. Bertha, a woman who never before cared about her appearance soon began putting extra effort into making herself appear more beautiful. She regularly visited D' wizard for potions to make her hair more beautiful and relieve her chronic constipation. Despite her best efforts to not get her hopes up, she soon became delusional, living into some fantasy where she and Jethro were young and in love and Clyde and Sasha didn't even exist. She was overcome with hysterical laughing attacks in which only she thought something was funny. To everyone she worked with, she appeared to be going crazy. It was no longer a case of innocent flirtation or a more scandalous situation of adultery, everyone developed a sincere concern for Bertha's health and sanity.

Meanwhile, suspicions were growing about Jethro's interests. Was he really truly in love with his perfect soon to be wife Sasha? Or was crazy Bertha some how winning him over with her unique sense of humor and fashion sense. Mr. D began to recognize a sudden shift in the menu at Campache Caperche; a strange lack of desserts and a bizarre addition of scrambled eggs with nearly every meal. Irritated, Mr. Dewtaxes knew there was only one solution to not only save the peasants from eating their weight in eggs, but also save the heaven made match of Sasha and Jethro. He declared in all the land that only those workers whom he hired to cook for him would be allowed to do so, effectively banning Bertha from stepping foot near Jethro in the kitchen ever again. Bertha was devastated. She hadn't made all this effort and put her heart on the line just to be manipulated by her master. However, even as upset as she was, there wasn't much more she could do than return to her chamber to perform her assigned tasks.

It seemed her relationships were at a standstill. Day after day, Bertha performed her duties as she looked forward to meal times hoping she could catch a glimpse of her dear Jethro. In the evenings, she dreaded returning to her small home as she knew Clyde likely wouldn't speak to her because of her obvious adultery. One night, as Bertha completed her duties, she looked outside her dark chamber to notice Jethro playing a game alone on the centronium. Elated, she ran out to meet him, for she'd never been alone with him outside the kitchen.

Jethro invited Bertha to play basketball with her, despite her utter lack of hand eye coordination and overall athletic abilities. It was the most liberating yet terrifying experience of her life. On the one hand, she was alone at last with the man whom she believed was the love of her life. On the other hand, she knew that basketball was no way to a man's heart and she could never compete with Sasha's delicious cupcake creations. And yet at that moment it was she who was with Jethro. Perhaps they were never meant to be together, just in those stolen moments. But it was then, bouncing that ball up and down the court with Jethro, that Bertha realized she just might be okay with being the other woman.


Sometimes things don't always end up how we want them to, but we have to make the best of the situations we're in. The End.