Finally, A Place to Study for Finals

So you are sick of the library? You are tired of trying to decipher who around you is being discussed on likealittle.com, or rather who is doing the discussing? The tension of your peers is just making you more stressed out? Well do not fear, because your school's library is not the only place for you to study, and I would argue that it isn't the best place to study either. If you have a car, or perhaps another friend who is suffering as you are, make your way to your local Barnes and Noble location. Barnes and Noble is a wonderful store, providing books, music, and coffee for all sorts of people with every interest. Throughout the store, they have chairs and tables for their customers' lounging and studying pleasure. Additionally, they have a wonderful walled off section near the back referred to as "Barnes and Noble, Jr." This is a quaint little area full of colorful children's books and games and puzzles and stuffed animals. Because the section is for kids, the furniture in the section is of course, built for kids. However, if you don't mind sitting on a bench at a very low table, I definitely suggest you make your way over to B&N Jr. when studying for your most important tests. Nothing will distract you less than small children hiding behind poles making faces at you, dolphin stuffed animals and of course, screaming babies. Additionally, you don't need to worry because there aren't any outlets so there is no chance that your laptop will die when you're typing your term paper or working on a fifteen page study guide. So next time you are struggs in club lib I definitely suggest this alternative location.

Workin' Out

So you're a member of a gym eh? In other words, you have a handy little keychain with the logo of the health club of your choosing that you either swipe on a daily basis or hasn't been swiped since you signed up for it. From my experiences at a number of different fitness centers, I have found that there are a few facts that hold true no matter where you choose to work out.

1. Gyms are a fantastic place to check out "fashion"

There are a few different types of dressers at every workout facility. First there are the girls that clearly put more effort into planning their work out outfit than actually working out. Their clothes usually consist of Nike Shorts, v neck t-shirts, some fancy type of running shoes, and a lopsided pony tail, perhaps with a ribbon. However, depending on what part of the country you are in, you may find a different breed of these girls. These are the ones that want to trick you into thinking that you borrowed their boyfriend's cutoff t-shirt, however, these t-shirts are clearly size small, as they are tight fitting on the miniature girls that wear them. This is almost pathetic as this breed buys t-shirts that resemble those that a boy would wear in their size simply so they can cut off the sleeves. They then match the t-shirt to Soffe shorts, a sports bra, shoes, and bow of their liking. Additionally, we have the older men who are just way too into stripes, whether it be clear in their orange striped Whataburger pants or their black and white striped wrestling leotard, yes, I have observed both of these men. 

2. Gyms are a wonderful place to... text?

Yes, if only their parents knew that they were shelling out the big bucks each month so that their fourteen year old daughters could wear ridiculous athletic gear to sit around a gym and text their boyfriend of the week, I am sure that the number of health club memberships would go way down. Additionally, I am confused as to how anyone believes that you can adequately work out on the elliptical or treadmill with their fingers going a mile a minute. If you plan on going to the gym to work out your thumbs, save your money, text at home, and let the people that care about working out their bodies use the machines. 

3. It's important to read the stickers slash observe the pictures on the machines

This is vital for two reasons. The first is because if you use a machine incorrectly you run the risk of causing permanent damage to your body, thus immediately ending any dreams of ever working out again. The second is becoming that person that the people who know what they are doing at the gym go home and laugh about. These diagrams provide very idiot proof instructions for your workout experience for a reason, because the equipment company cares about your reputation. 

4. Most of the people who work out at health clubs live in homes without bathrooms

I realized this after discovering that most people spend half of their time at the gym in the locker room following their "workout" showering, dressing, drying, straightening, or curling their hair, putting on makeup, and staring at themselves in the mirror. This phenomenon leads me to believe that they funnel all of their funds into paying for their gym membership and come up short on maintaining a private bathroom because honestly who would rather do all of these private things in public?

The Veronica In You

Yes I know that this is my second posting about Veronica Mars. However Veronica has a lot to teach us and she is therefore worthy of yet another entry. Perhaps the most important lesson we can learn from this show is the importance of critical thinking and deductive reasoning. When we lose something or something turns out other than it should, do we take it for just happening, or do we examine why it may have turned out that way. For example, you are at a Christmas party and your best friend looks down at her Vera Bradley clutch only to realize that her beloved Justin Bieber keychain that her sorority sister gave her as a gift is suddenly gone. So do you just accept the fact that she will never be able to stare at that adorable little baby face again, or does the "Veronica in you" come out to figure out exactly what happened. This may include spreading out around the party to ask people if they have seen it, doing a stakeout of some nature, retracting your steps, etc. While this seems like a rather minor case, with practice the Veronica in you may eventually be capable of solving murders etc rather than just who stole my homework and is my boyfriend cheating on me.

Oh PV!

Are you a fan of Heidi Klum and her Bravo hit TV show Project Runway? Well I hope that what follows does not offend you. I will let you know that I am a fan of this show too and for many seasons I watched every episode religiously. It is this love that inspired the latest slang literally spoken by everyone I know. The phrase you might ask? "Project Vomway!" Yes I know that you are sitting at your desk, in club libs, on your iPhone, iPad, etc very confused about this phrase's use if you are for some reason out of the loop on this latest vocabulary, but do not worry. Project vomway is short for projectile vomit, yes I know that you are feeling sick to your stomach at the sound of these words, thus the project vomway to disguise the connotations. The following are some contexts in which you may use this delightful phrase:

1. Sarah: "Oh wow, did you see the dress on the mannequin at Saks? "

Karleigh: "Oh you liked that, literally I wanted to project vomway all over it, who would wear that?"

* In this instance, proj vom is used as a means of describing someone's negative reaction to something.

2. Daryl : "I heard you project vomway all over the bathroom last night, rough night?"

Kramer : "Yeah, I'm fine, I think I just ate a bad fajita at that Mexican restaurant."

* In this instance, project vomway is used as a verb to literally describe throwing up

3. Stanley: "Hey Janie, what did you think of that movie?"

Janie: "Proj Vom! That was the grossest movie I've ever seen!"

* In this instance, the phrase is used as an adjective to describe something that's gross or that they simply don't like."

The Cyclist's Cycle

Traditionally young children begin their cycling career on the tricycle. This genius invention consists of pedals, steering, and three wheels, one in front, two in back. The extra wheel allows for extreme balance as a small child is likely incapable of balancing his or herself.

As the child grows up they usually graduate to a bicycle with "training wheels." These training wheels are attached to the bike to assist with balance, however, the primary balance must come from the rider himself. Additionally, the training wheels can be removed once the rider doesn't need them anymore.

Finally, our improving cyclist has graduated to the bike. While different models come with different bells and whistles including hand-breaks, speeds, baskets, racks, etc, the distinguishing feature of the bicycle is that is has only two wheels.

So where is the relevance in the sequence of cycles? Well first, we recognize that each of these cycles has an appropriate age group. It is not appropriate for twenty-somethings to be pedaling around on a tricycle. Now with this in mind, consider yourself a wheel, those around you a wheel, and the actual cycle a relationship. When you are a child, you need your parents for balance, and while you still need them for balance as you grow up, there are instances in your life when you can ride a different cycle. When you start dating even, a parent may sit a few rows back in the movie theater serving as that extra wheel as support. Later on, you graduate to the training wheels and go on the group or double dates before you are old enough to spend alone time with your boyfriend or girlfriend. For some reason though I have recognized a strange phenomenon where taken adults are so desperately wanting to return to that awkward little tricycle. That is they are inviting a poor innocent friend to be that front wheel to their romantic back wheels. A couple also may find two uninterested friends and force them into an awkward training wheel situation. It takes a lot of practice to balance on the bicycle, just as it does in a relationship, but it's definitely meant to be a bicycle and nothing else.

GYT!

I know that science has allowed for people to perform many genetic tests before procreating. While I am not sure on the statistics, I would gather that this may have allowed for some healthier, happier babies, but please do not quote me on this. However, this is a relatively new scientific breakthrough, that is, my generation was not genetically screened. I know this because if my parents had gone through a genetic screening I would not be suffering like I am right now. You might be uncomfortable right now, thinking, wow, what kind of emo blog did this just become? But I am very passionate about this topic, so please hear me out, no matter how uncomfortable you may feel. I am talking about a condition that both of my sisters and I suffer from. As a word of caution, I beg you, please don't offer us any of the treats pictured here:

You are probably confused now, so instead of keeping you on the edge of your seat any longer, I will simply share our story so hopefully it will help you when you decide to have children. My dad suffers from the same rare condition, a condition so rare, professionals haven't yet come up with a name for it. It's a disorder where one breaks out with perspiration when consuming any food that could be described as sour or spicy in the forehead or high-cheek regions or their face. Some may think this is the most embarrassing condition to face, and before I was aware of its genetic origins, I was. Now, however, I feel that it is my duty to speak about this phenomenon and educate the public about genetic testing so that their children will not suffer as my family and I do. 

Hold It!

With the vast, intricate highway system in the United States, chances are you have probably been on at least one road trip. Whether it was from Denver, CO to the border of Wyoming to pick up some fireworks, or from Los Angeles, CA to New York City just to say you did it, you have definitely spent at least a few extended periods of time in the car. When you drive long distances, not only are you bound to get bored of the playlist, possibly enjoy some of the scenery, have some interesting conversations if you are with company, or thoughts if you are alone, eat a lot of food, or be especially hungry if none is available, but at some point, you are also going to have to use the restroom. Generally, your body doesn't agree with your location, that is, it's urgent either in the middle of nowhere, or if you are lucky, in somewhere random like Summertown, GA. Fortunately for you, if you are in the population 400 town, there is at least the possibility of some type of business with a public restroom, unfortunately, this breed of bathroom usually follows a very uncivilized pattern. One may notice bizarre decorations, including wallpaper, most likely peeling, odd paintings of cowboys, animals, and foliage that look as if they were purchased at Goodwill, or a variety of fake plants. The floor could be a variety of materials ranging from cracked tile to the cheapest grade of linoleum available at the local Ace hardware. Please don't even get me started on the state of the toilet itself, because there isn't a chance that it's even remotely sanitary. The availability of toilet paper, soap, and paper towels is always seriously lacking. In fact, you may have to search for evidence of a dispenser for any of these items. Simply put, the state of the restroom is clearly not the top priority for this establishment. However, after you use the facilities, you realize that you are in fact starving. You pick up your Pringles, Diet Coke, and Sprees, only to find the rest of the store in equally as pathetic shape as the restroom. This sparks your curiosity, what on earth is this Quickmark spending their funds on? Real estate is clearly not at a prime out here in the middle of nowhere, there is no competition for them to blow their advertising budget, in fact, they have a monopoly on nearly every junk food product within a 100 mile radius. Why is it that they cannot afford to clean their bathroom, stock their toilet paper, glue their wallpaper back onto the walls, and appear at least half presentable? This question is far too much of a mystery for solving at a quick rest stop when you need to get down to Miami, so you march yourself back to the less-than-impressive supply section, pick up a bottle of knock off Windex and leave it in the bathroom after buying your merchandise, in hopes that your gesture will at least give the high schooler behind the counter the idea that you don't like living in barn-like conditions and it concerns you that they don't mind it. And while you feel accomplished for that small act, thus begins the cycle until you hit Lawtey, Florida. 

Shazam Yourself!

Chances are, you are in involved in close to a million times and your mind is going a mile a minute. Between class, social life, extra-curricular activities, and the random things that go on in your daily life, there is no way you can keep track of everything with a simple day planner. If you are like most people with a smart phone you have some app capable of listening to songs and feeding its title, artist and album back to you within seconds. Not only is this program helpful when you don't know the name of the song that's been stuck in your head for weeks, but also as a reminder to download that song you've been singing for weeks when you're next online. While this is helpful for music, it doesn't serve any other purpose really. However, how awesome would that be if we could Shazam our thoughts. How often do you think of something really witty but are in the complete wrong context to say it so you say to yourself "please oh please remember this for (insert future situation here)" then within seconds, minutes, hours, days you forget what you thought was the funniest, most unforgettable thought. However, with this app, when you are thinking of something really clever or funny and know that it would really be useful later on if only you could remember it, you would simply Shazam it. Then when you were in the situation you could pull it up on your list of Shazamed tags, get the laughs, and be the life of the party.

Fold or Be Folded

Laundry is one of those things that everyone has but some people dislike so much they expend far too much effort finding someone else to do it for them. However, laundry ought to be viewed as an activity to be enjoyed by all rather than as a chore. This venture has a little something for people of all interests. For those artistically inclined, there is the element of color. Before the laundry can even be washed, one must, or rather gets to, sort it into lights, darks, and colors. Determining which article of clothing goes into which pile allows one to express these gifts. Furthermore, for those with a predisposition to flavor and scent, there is the job of shopping for laundry detergent and fabric softener. One could spent at least three hours at the laundry aisle of HEB plus! picking the perfect laundry scent combination if they so desired. Finally, if one does their laundry at home, they have the option of choosing which washer and dryer to purchase at Sears. Because technology has already so graciously provided us with the iPad, 3D television, and DVR, we clearly need touch-screen, 40-pair-of-jeans-per-load, bright orange-to-go-with-your-decor, front loading washers, and the dryers to match because we can't think of anything else to invent. These gems are quite the joy to wash your clothes in, however, laundromats, your neighbors house, and your college dormitory are an adventure in and of themselves, which should equally be enjoyed.  So you have your piles, your supplies, and your machines picked out and you start your load. Now that your clothes are in the washer, you have about 30 minutes to do nothing but wait. However, that is why we have Netflix and Hulu; 30 minutes is the perfect amount of time for you to catch up on what ever show you missed out on when you were wearing the clothes you are now watching. After you watch this week's episode of Glee, your laundry is conveniently ready to be dried. While drying generally takes about an hour, it's usually more enjoyable to wait for because it allows you the ideal window of time to rest your tired mind and take a wonderful nap. At the end of your nap you will be allowed the joy of covering yourself in cozy warm clothes before embarking on the best leg of the laundry journey- FOLDING! While there is an art to folding and everyone likes their laundry folded and stored a little differently, folding not only helps keep your clothes in good shape but has the ability to provide one with a very peaceful experience. Perhaps it is the fact that it is a very easy to accomplish task, or maybe that it's a relaxing motion. Whatever it is, the process of folding has almost spa-like qualities, all while accomplishing what some may see as a monotonous chore. Furthermore, it is very important to practice folding, especially in this downtrodden economy, because you never know when you are going to be laid off from your six figure executive position and forced to fold your life away in t-shirts at baby Abercrombie.

Spice Up Your Life!

I am not sure whether or not you are familiar with the three season hit Veronica Mars, but there is definitely an important lesson to learn from the show. No, it doesn't have anything to do with dating the most popular boy in the school but being dumped by him and then having your best friend, who just happens to be his sister be suspiciously murdered and then endure your father, the sheriff accuse your ex boyfriend's father of murdering your best friend and then becoming the least popular girl in school before your mother runs out on your family. Rather, Veronica has a nasty habit of narrating her life to herself, granted this may simply be a product of the television show, but it certainly makes her life a million times more interesting. Just think about it... how much more interesting would your life be if you were the lead in the TV show of your own life. So you are invited to dinner with the boy you have be eyeing and after the conversation, ends you say about your situation, "Isn't it weird how someone can ignore you in class and then potentially be the love of your life?" Yes, I am very much aware that this is very obsessive, overreactive, and dramatic, however, all of this is key to a successful life narration. In fact, narrating your life will help prepare you in case you are ever interviewed for the news if you rescue a kitten, witness a crime, or find a picture of Jesus in your breakfast taco. 

money money money

I have a proposal. Unfortunately, I first need to acknowledge the unlikelihood of this happening. How often do you buy a pack of gum, a Red Bull, a number 5 at Taco Cabana and you get what in exchange? Change! Then what do you do with it? You through it in your pocket, purse, your junk cup in your car. Then it adds up and you use it to buy a bag of Cheetos in a vending machine. Then your stomach grows. Welcome to the flaw of the american government. That is change. We would do well to rid ourselves of change. My proposal? Lose the change and start dispensing silly bands instead. I am not sure if you are a currently silly band wearer, but if you are not you should definitely invest. The great thing about this trend is that they are cheap, cute, and tradable. in fact, the more you have, the cooler you are. Unless it becomes obvious that you bought the ones you are wearing and weren't given them. However, if the government got with the program and made them money, they wouldn't only be a symbol of popularity, but also a symbol of status and riches. So basically the more purple monkeys and orange high heals you have, the more distinguished you are in society. while people would be able to continue trading silly bands as if they carried no monetary value, for instance, a pink penguin would be a fair trade for a teal cowboy hat, individual silly bands would carry value and could be traded in at local shopping venues for merchandise. So the next time you are craving those Sour Cream and Onion Lays, a Dr Pepper., or need to catch up on your gossip from US Weekly, you simply need to drive to your local convenience store and empty your wrist on the counter.

ice first coffee second

there is a phenomenon that is sweeping the nation as the semester gets busier and busier. yes, i am talking about an increase in the consumption of coffee. while some choose the traditional hot coffee, others choose the shots of expresso, the cappuccino, the latte. i understand the need for caffeine. however, while it's perfectly respectable to drink your coffee however you like it, there is one way in which you must be particularly careful. i'm talking iced coffee. usually when one serves a glass of water, they get the ice from the dispenser and then the water second, as not to splash themselves or those standing around them. the same goes for gatorade, lemonade, tea, coke. this seems to be an almost natural habit, one of out respect and common sense. nevertheless, when it comes to iced coffee people become children and forget the natural order of ice then liquid. rather, they make a huge deal of filling their cup almost full of coffee and during prime ice machine times, proceed to fill their cup thus sloshing and slashing their creamy coffee all over the counter, themselves, and innocent bystanders. unfortunately the lure of the coffee makes them oblivious to their utter lack of manners and they walk away happily downing their drink. so i am urging you, as you "need" your caffeine fix within these next few weeks, please take a few moments to follow your instincts!

learn your lingo

i have recently become aware that some very vital vocabulary words were missing from my english lesson post. while i am terribly sorry, i am taking this opportunity to share these words.
the first and perhaps most important is the word sensie. while often confused mistaken for the root of the word sensitive, it acts in the english language as both an adjective and a noun. for instance "don't be such a sensie, we all knew you and your girlfriend weren't going to last," or "wow he was really sensie went he failed that test." this word is used to describe overly sensitive or emotional boys. a prime example of a sensie, actually probably the most sensie person ever is the character of Duke Orsino in the 2006 blockbuster, she's the man. while it would require days of blogging for me to accurately explain the degree of his sensie-ness, i hope that you will please watch the film for yourself.
in addition, the phrase "i am breaking up with you as a _______"is important when expressing frustration or anger. for instance, your friend forgets to pick you up some tacos at taco c, and while you are not really mad at them, you are in a temporary state of heightened anger and need to let them know. so you tell them that you are breaking up with them as a friend. this phrase parallels a romantic relationship. however, it is well known that these days many people in romantic relationships break up and get back together on an almost constant basis so this phrase is playing on that concept. one can fill in that blank with any relational word, including cousin, sister, etc. just make sure that you don't say "i am breaking up with you as a granddaughter" when your grandma forgets it's your birthday because that might be seriously offensive.
finally, it is important that one speaks in initials. the phrase "NBD" means "no big deal." other vital phrases include "DJM" and "IJY." which mean "don't judge me," and "i'm judging you" respectively. please take the time to learn your lingo as it is imperative for a successful life of communication.

aeroposcool?

i remember those days and i am sure that you do too. begging your mother to drop you off at the mall so you could shop with your girlfriends for hours. you would browse through loads of tees in hollister and abercrombie, get smoothies at orange julius, pretend to be interested in shopping at sam goody, consider getting your hair straightened at the kiosks, and come home with way too many shopping bags full of the most useless things. now you go to the mall with a mission, or maybe not, but at least your purchases are worth while. gone are the days when your closet is full of forty different t-shirts that say some variation of the store name where you bought them, or better set say something that is supposed to be clever, like "she is as fake as her hair" or something. there is a new generation of these wild shoppers. yes, i have experienced them first hand. because this species is so new, they have not yet been named, but nevertheless, they are distinct creatures. generally college freshmen age, they are boys, usually sporting a justin bieber, cole/dylan sprouse haircut. they frequent the mall on friday evenings. their store of choice? aeropostale. personally, i was unaware that aeropostale sold clothes that were appropriate for the 18+ age group, but the excessively large population of these shoppers makes me wonder.

if we are being honest

i think octopuses are generally very under appreciated creatures. they are often chastised for their odd amount of appendages. i am sorry, these poor creatures have absolutely no control over their incredibly awkward bodies. however, before you point your finger and laugh at these often innocent but sometimes incredibly violent creatures you must first examine yourself. no, we do not have eight appendages, but four is still a lot. furthermore, we have fingers and toes. so let's do a little bit of math, um 4+10+10 is 24 and don't even get me started on ears and noses. who are we to judge when our awkward bodies consist of more than three times the amount of appendages as theirs. oh yeah, and your hands are basically deformed octopuses, i mean pentapuses. i mean they serve the same purpose. and we also have feet. can you please tell me what is not creepy about toes? especially when they are used to pick things up. i am sorry but octopuses at least have long, suctiony, elegent arms, not short little sausages to do their work. all i am asking is that the next time you point out the flaws of this creature, you first examine yourself before you make any rude or unfair claims.

ponies, arthur and ice cream

i dont know if you have a lot of friends, acquaintances, or people you would like to meet. regardless of where you stand, i know that a lot of people struggle with conversation topics within their first meeting with someone. i believe that there is one way to guarantee immediate friendship with anyone you choose to meet. yes you will meet someone, first you will hear their name, then possibly grade, school, where they are from. oh great ya, you are a business major too? so am i... i dont know about you but this is the most thrilling conversation i have ever heard. actually, no that was a lie. after you get the basics you are guaranteed awkwardness. however, i promise there is hope for these awkward little turtles. this strategy requires two parts. first you need some major prep. you need to examine deep inside yourself and determine what are your three favorite things? the following things don't count: family, friends, or girls/boys, or jesus, generally these things are implied. once this list is compiled, complete you ought to flesh it out with details as to why your three favorite things are giraffes, egg rolls, and water aerobics. now you are ready, once you have gone through the basics and they are expecting you to walk away because you have nothing else to say, you have to whip it out, "what are your three favorite things?" they will likely freak out and say i don't know. then you can pull the well i'm really into giraffes, egg rolls, and water aerobics card and they will have no choice but to think about it themselves. honestly though, i feel that most people subconsciously rank everything, at least they should because it makes prioritizing tasks way easier. for example, if you are aware of your love for egg rolls you will probably not have a hard time justifying eating at your favorite chinese restaurant when your alternative is spending the evening in the library studying for your biology midterm. you might fail, but at least you got to eat your second favorite thing. anyways, so you ask them, and then they get really awkward, maybe even more awkward than they were when you were just talking about hometowns and majors, but after some persistence they will start talking a mile a minute and reveal to you that as, perhaps as the captain of the lacrosse team, they are wild about my little pony, pbs' arthur, and strawberry ice cream. who knows if you have any opinion or conversation about these three things, but at least the next time you see them out you are welcome to approach them for a long talk about who their favorite colorful plastic toy pony is, because after all, you are awkward enough to remember that they are into those kinds of things.

oh hey! what's your spirit animal

i often hear of people making comparisons between someone's image and animals. for example if you are tall someone might say "oh ya she/he definitely embodies the character of a giraffe." this phenomenon usually is referred to as one's "spirit animal." however, i believe that for an animal to be someone's spirit animal, they must look alike. with this being said, i would argue that there is only one animal capable of fulfilling the role of someone's spirit animal. this animal is yes, a sloth. if you look at these beloved creatures, you can't help but see human faces. next time you see a puppy please explain how your best friend is a puppy because they do NOT resemble humans, they resemble puppies, because they are puppies. sloths on the other hand look like nothing. i mean they kind of look like aliens, but i guess aliens that resemble humans. this simple fact is though that this realization will ruin ice breaking activities for eternity. i mean how many times have you been at a function where you have to go around and say your name and your "spirit animal?" so basically it's going to be like "hey i am frank and i look most like a sloth," then "i am jessica and i guess i would have to say a sloth." and so on. can we please all just embrace our mutual spirit animal and become a little bit more creative when it comes to get to know you activities, honestly if these don't change all we will know is that we all look like the weirdest animals around.

oh ledy thyme fhor the rhusshan

svetlana khorkina

ok well ledy his prhitty shoor thet thuh vest majhoritee hof peephel har whanteeng to hev iccent. (ok well i am pretty sure that the vast majority of people want to have an accent). accents allow for a sense of exoticism in a person's personality. however, i am also aware that the vast majority of us don't have an accent, or if we do, it is something very common and boring. however, fortunately for all of us who don't have a natural accent, they are in some cases, fairly easy to reproduce. that is why i have created this easy guide to develop an accent and thus fulfill your dreams

1. you need to pick an accent you desire to have. keep in mind that the accent you use could trick people into thinking that you are actually from the location of origin. this is important because you need to gain knowledge of at least some aspect of that culture and you don't want to pick a place that is chastised for any reason because then you are just causing unnecessary problems for yourself. i suggest choosing an accent from a country that is very athletic for reasons i will explain.

2. now that you have picked your desired accent it is time to start studying. i believe the best way to learn an accent is to make sure your country is well represented in either the winter or summer olympic games.  first you will need to look at the olympic viewing schedule (i hope you are pursuing this during an olympic year) and set up as many vcrs/dvrs as possible to record any bio segment on an athlete for your desired country. for instance, if you are going after that russian accent, svetlana khorkina is a solid choice. once you have an arsenal of footage it is time to start watching these emotional and inspirational shorts over and over and over again until not only can you recite them by memory, but hopefully you have started thinking and speaking in the accent to the point where you can't even remember what your old voice or thoughts sounded like

3. now that you have the accent down, it is important that you create a believable story to tell. for example, if you are speaking in a russian voice no one is going to believe you if you are telling a story about living in south texas and working at a taqueria restaurant. they would however, believe a story about your involvement in gymnastics as a way to support your family and stay off the streets.

note: it is important not to use your accents in places where there is someone who is actually from the place of your accent's origin. this could result in two ways: first, they might seek a friendship with you based on your mutual background, something of which you do not have. or, they might be terribly offended. both of these situations can be extremely awkward and avoided if you posses the necessary accent street smarts.

an english lesson

william shakespeare

john milton

i think as Americans it is important that we are all aware of the origins of our English language. as you may or may not know, mr. william shakespeare holds the record for introducing the most new words into our vocabulary. mr. john milton ranks number two for this honorable title. i bet you are wondering who number three is, right? well i will not take credit for that. however, i feel obligated to educate my fellow americans about some phrases that are important to use when speaking like an educated, professional individual. 

first of all the phrase "what the hector" can be used to replace "what the heck" or that other phrase. i feel that this phrase is important in every situation except if you are near someone named hector, then there is just a lot of explaining that could be avoided by simply using a different phrase. 

the word "struggs" can be used when describing any situation in which someone was struggling to do any given task no matter how difficult or simple. when using this word it is vital to enunciate so it doesn't sound like you are accusing someone of being drugs, etc because you don't want to start any devastating rumor. in addition it is important for clarity reasons that you say "struggs" and not "strug" or someone might assume you are talking about the olympic gymnast kerri strugg. again, you would have some explaining to do.

the word "presh" is important to use when referring to something, cute, adorable, heartmelting, or simply precious. while some boys might be weirded out by your use of this word when referring to them, or anything related to them. it gives anything you are talking about the quality of a cute little puppy dog and is therefore worth every use.

in addition to these vocabulary gems, i recognize that in this day and age, time is certainly of the essence. this is why shortening words is vital to get through the day with enough time to go to class, work, and all of your other randie things. so next time you need something to eat i suggest you go to the kitch if you are at home, or the caf if you are at school. you should probs stick to texting because chatting on the phone def takes far too long. when at a memorable event be sure to take your cam and upload your pictures to your fb using your lap. if this is a stretch for you, i hope you will consider speaking in abbrevs as another solution to lengthy conversations.

be old AND hip

i feel that it is important to keep the future in mind as a means of planning the present. however, i realized today after a run in with a very old man at walgreens. this part of the future freaks me out. i have decided though that being a senior citizen has its perks. the most major awesome part about being old, a grandparent in particular, is that this is the only time in your life where you can make the decision about your name. when you are a baby your parents pick whatever random name they come up with, but now you have the power to choose your own destiny by picking what your wild little grandchildren will call you. i am under the impression that this choice is very vital in determining what your relationship with these kids will be like, as it sets the tone for your grandparenting style. for instance, if you expect your grandchildren to refer to you as grandmother, i gather that you will be a very unfun grandparent, i mean not necessarily the ones they will be begging their parents to have over. on the other hand, the grandmother name "mamabear" suggests that you are probably down to play wii and go swimming and play legos and color and all those great things. considering how long people are living these days, your time as a grandparent is likely to be very lengthy and that is why it is important to start thinking about your senior citizen identity NOW.

protect your car's reputation

first of all i am aware that my last post was about one of my annoyances with car decorations, but this is necessary. i am honestly confused as to why in the past few days i have seen at least 10 different cars with fuzzy dice hanging off the rear view mirror. i feel that generally one uses their car as a statement. if you are driving a sports car you clearly want attention etc etc. even more personalized are the decorations inside your car. so please tell me why ANYONE would have fuzzy dice in their car? perhaps they were hard-pressed for cash after buying their escalade (yes i have seen fuzzy dice in an escalade) so they ran to family dollar to pick up some decorations. or even better, they gave their child a few dollars to win some at the arcade. i understand that most people, myself included love their cars, to the point where they have names and personalities and the driver might die without the car. so my question is this, why would you subject your beloved car to these heinous accessories. i mean, you would tell your friend if their outfit sucked before yall went out, so why would you allow your car to go out with perhaps the tackiest and most meaningless decoration ever. please, do it for your car, take down those awful accessories, they aren't doing good for anyone.

how to get a hot date

So i don't know about everyone else, but when I see SUVs, or any car for that matter driving around with those stupid family member stickers on the back, I generally want to gag. If you don't know what I am talking about, please view the picture above. First of all, why does everyone on the highway need to know the age, name, and hobbies of everyone in your family? That is not going to make me anymore apologetic when you make some stupid traffic move. Furthermore, it's not like you are the only family with a son who plays soccer and a daughter who does ballet, or any other combination of child and activity for that matter. So what I am proposing is that we use these normally useless stickers for a worthwhile cause. And what is that cause you may ask? Clearly getting a hot date. How might we do this you might ask? Well I am proposing that all those single ladies (or I suppose single guys too) put their respective sticker on the back of their car. This is like asking for someone to call you up so that eventually your sticker won't look so bad by itself. This may sound absolutely ridiculous, but not nearly as ridiculous as the thousands of SUVs driving wild advertising what? That they have children? Let's please band together and give these stickers a purpose!

joseph? you mean bulldozer

i hope all of you have been blessed enough to be called something other than the long, traditional, possibly boring name that your parents gave you (don't worry mom, i love my name!). and no i am not talking going by joe when your name is joseph. your parents probably call you joe, ya? i am talking when your name is alexandra and your girlfriend calls you burrito or something like that. basically it's super important to have these names or how do you know that you have friends. like if everyone calls you fredrick you clearly haven't had any bonding moments with anyone, or maybe you just don't laugh. nicknames are like facebook friends, you don't want only your mom to be your friend ya? basically the more you have the cooler you are.

on the other hand, while it is important to have many nicknames, naming people is just as exciting. i mean it is better to give than to recieve. so i have prepared some guidelines for naming the people you hang out with, or rather some ideas.
1. the animal that they look like, except that would just be a sloth, so if you have a friend that maybe is slow, sloth is a solid name
2. if their name sounds like a phrase you should just call them that phrase. like if their name is paul night you could call them all night. this one is very annoying because if it's a phrase that you use on a regular basis they might get annoyed because they don't know if you are referring to them or the phrase. overall i believe it is worth it to confuse them.
3. you could also use the method that i call "6 degrees of separation." this can be complicated so please pay attention. so your friend is named thomas, so naturally you call them tom. but then you are into the double name so you move to tom tom and then to initials, so that makes t.t. and then teets. because that is what everyone wants to be called.
4. or you could say their name with a lisp, this is solid. like sam is tham.
5. maybe you could call them by the randomest thing ever and justify it. like crayon for katrina.

also, nicknames are important for determining who your real friends and your wanna be friends are. i mean if someone calls you crayon and they only know about that because they heard your best friend calling you that, they are clearly a wanna be.

i really hope this is helpful in your life.